This is the continuing tale of Natalie and her "growing" interactions with Matt and the people around her. As always constructive comments/criticism are welcome. Enjoy!
I am caving in to popular demand and putting up Chapter II almost a month before I intended. I had not expected such a vociferous and positive response. That said, while the I should clarify that while the story is "done" it's not finished being edited past chapter III, and because my proof readers have real lives, I am going to continue to space the final 9 parts out after this release, at about 3 weeks between uploads to maintain quality control.
Average Scores:
- Overall: 4.33
- BE: 3.72
- Characters: 4.28
- Technical: 4.22
kain123
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Is there any moderator to clean up the troll ratings?
liddle
Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1
trash
Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1
More crap written by a piece of crap.
maDmanDy
Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1
XXX
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Please send the rest of this story!
By the way, what happend to Andy and Amanda?
Dperks
Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Can't wait for more! With the BE I personally think that describing the breast size in terms of an object (i.e. fruit) is a more fun way of getting the imagination flowing. Just stating that the breasts have reached a certain cup size falls a little flat. Otherwise I love where the story is going and can't wait for more!
Chaz
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Very well written story, I am eager to read the following chapters.
ktc
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
I've given up on rating BE with the scores super seriously. This is by far one of the more enjoyable reads to grace this site. If I wanted to be super critical, I'd knock the BE down a little but it'd be unfair imo as it's clearly a longer story with BE as a contributing and constant factor so to rate its BE purely on chapter 2 wouldn't be correct. Looking forward to more.
Guy Incognito
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
Seriously one of the best stories I've read on this site...or in general, really. There is a lot of backstory that we are itching to know more about, the characters are believable, realistic and most importantly relatable (in at least the realistic ways ha-ha). There are a couple of weird grammatical things where "?"'s show up at the end of sentences with punctuation already used, but considering everything else it is a VERY minor thing.
Keep it up, this story has infinite potential!
Muad
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Beachball boobs
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Wow, MORE, PLEASE! You are knocking on the door of the BEST BE story, bar none!
JB48
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Most enjoyable. (On the strength of that I went on and read the Andy and Amanda stories and enjoyed those immensely too. Only trouble is they're not finished! When you're done with this story arc can you go back to that and take it to a conclusion, please.)
This story though is very well written and quite believable too. I really look forward to reading the rest of it and like some of the other commentators above I'm not sure I want to wait six months for the conclusion but, if that's what it takes to maintain the quality of the writing then sobeit,I'll be patient.
Keep up the good work sir. Power to your elbow!
Wilby
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
I like this story as it seems to be going somewhere. The protagonist has something to gain (or lose), and the sex and BE has a reason but is not the entire excuse for telling this story.
After a 'sweet' interlude in her human life, she returns to the demonic for another act of retribution like in the Prologue - showing a complex character with conflicting motivations and real chance of failure.
At "10:52PM", I wasn't sure why she was getting dressed again. 'Get some answers' could mean 'see whatshername for insight' or a period of introspection - and Freudian introspection seems to be her way. If the next paragraph ended like '...and she knew where to look.' it would have been a better transition to the following action; she has become a creature of action instead of introspection, and not-coincidentally retribution instead of self-control.
I will be eagerly watching for future chapters.
CW
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
loved it. If we give you an email can you send the rest of the story? Or post to smashwords and I will pay...lol I find myself checking back daily.
Recluse
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
A suggestion: use more contractions in speech. "I'm" sounds more natural in speech than "I am" in most cases, unless you're trying to stress something. At least to my ears.
Best story I've read in a while. Might be one of the greats I remember forever at this rate.
deus
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Excellent. While you could describe the expansion a bit more, this is still one of the best stories I have read in awhile. Thanks for sharing!
WritingBitch
Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
The same score as last time. BE is there but it is just roughly noted and touched on. That being said, it is still there and it is definitely enough to fuel my imagination.
Everything else, is as before, top notch. Safe to say, I am woefully (and quite dangerously!) in love with Ms. Nathalia. She's an interesting character and the internal Freudian battles always make me smile. The addition of her being a bit ruthless and less-controlled in this chapter is definitely piquing my interests too. You've crafted a great gal here, Merkava.
That being said, I also hate you. Three weeks... dear god, I think I'll die of Natalie-withdrawal! Keep up the excellent work~
cman
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Super awesome. I'm really loving where this story is going.
Please put the stories out there as drafts and give a way for us to send edits! I don't think I can wait another 6 months for the rest of it :(
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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