A new story, based on a doujin I read.
One man lives a solitary life, with no friends or girlfriends but that all changes when he's visited by a tiny Oni. Warning this is a original story using fanfic characters.
Average Scores:
- Overall: 3.29
- BE: 2.71
- Characters: 2.71
- Technical: 3.29
Chaos-Master
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
I cannot wait to see what happens next! Your characters are so unique yet people can relate to them easily. I think you have a real winner here.
Please tell me you are going to continue this story?
Your friend,
Chaos-Master
swmmp
Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1
I need a nickname?
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 1, Technical= 4
I agree with the others. It was good, really good, but randomly throwing in those names diminished it. I would also have appreciated a little more BE. Also, would like more Oni Wives in a story about Many Oni Wives. Obviously. Honestly, pick any other names and the stars would go up. It's a great, well executed concept, just please, please change the names.
anon
Overall= 3, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 4
The story is good. But using known "Ninja" characters and putting them in a whole nother universe...
Yeah! that broke the immersion for me. Lucky open office has a handy word swap function.
K
Overall= 4, BE= 2, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
Very enjoyable story, apart from the start not much BE, look forward to more.
deux_anges
Overall= 3, BE= 2, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
I liked the first part of the story, but the second chapter got a bit derailed by all the cooking. The balance between the kitchen domestics and the sexy stuff is not quite right, and detracts from the main objective - titillation.
anon
Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 4
Once again, there's no reason why this has to be "Naruto Uzumaki" and "Hinata" in this story -- there's nothing here that is identifiably related to either of those characters. But you don't seem to want to listen to that part of my feedback.
You're getting better with your technical quality; there's fewer egregious usage errors or punctuation problems this time around. Naruto is a a complete wish-fulfillment character, however, preternaturally confident and competent in everything except meeting women, up to and including a massive dick and infinite stamina.
The entire setup reminds me somewhat of 50 Shades of Grey, in that it's a man being basically delivered a woman who'll submit to his every whim and worship him, and that he can instruct and lead around on a metaphoric leash.
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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