The Definitive BE Story Archive

The Overflowing Bra

The kinky Hig gets her hands on a crystal ball from one of her husband's wizard friends.  Her girlhood friends then are made to change, coming to a baby shower that will defy the ages. 
Average Scores:

Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1

Total trash

Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1

couldn't rate the BE as I couldn't get to it. Word of advice, don't view us as haters, view us as an opportunity to see where your opportunities for improvement are.

Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1

Utterly unreadable (beyond syntax, spelling & grammatical errors)
No real plot or logic to events. Clearly deserves NO stars, even for effort

Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 3

The comment Jay put below hit the problem spot on.

Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1

I'm afraid I couldn't follow any of it at all. I can give no points in any category. There could be great characters and wonderful BE in there, but I could not find them amid the ridiculously, unreadably, silly purple prose.

Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 3

I think the issue boils down to this: No matter how much of a genius you may be with the written word, how correct you are in their meanings, or how "intelligent" your diction, you've still failed if your readers can't understand your message.

You're approaching literature as if it were some kind of formula or equation. You're dissecting it like some kind of science experiment. Readers don't want logic, they want feeling. They want something organic, meaningful and relevant to them. Cut the sophistication and deliver the erotica. That's what we're all here for.

Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1


Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1


Overall= 1, BE= 2, Characters= 1, Technical= 1

I find it very odd when people rank me at the bottom in every category but one. Like somehow even though I made no sense, I should still get some pointage for BE. Both of the sentences you indicated are bad examples or you are focusing in the wrong places if you want to disrupt their meanings. It is very difficult to diagram things over the Internet but I think we can agree that the first is a simple descriptive sentence with a dependent clause tacked on its end. "Belonging to a castle" etc. describes the tower. You make a good point that it lacks action but that has more to do with its verbage than its structure and if we want to talk about deficient verbage it would not be hard to find a myriad of seemingly good stories suffering from the same problem on this website. People just don't seem to care that much anymore about active verbs so long as the sentence makes sense (and sense making is simply following the same patterns that have been handed down for centuries. Heaven forbid that we disrupt the patterns). But I am digressing. The second sentence suffers from a jump or a skip if you will. One must correlate the trampoline with the circle and then it makes sense. Trampolines are circular. Am I right? And high-schoolers would circulate. Am I right? Galloping can, of course, mean several things as the dictionary will tell you. Many deal with horses or quadrupeds. However, there are, at least, three that I found that do not deal with horses. What this comes down to is matter of taste and it is not something over which we can argue analytically. Any point that I will make about said sentences or that you will make will boil down to the same perpetual conflict: should the reader be given his meaning on the page or should it be something that he or she develops. Now I am beginning to sound like a real snoot, so I should probably wrap this up. I appreciate the criticism but I feel it lacks a real grappling with the issue. You say tomato and I say tomato and we remain nowhere but in our same positions of extremity. There is certainly a good argument to be made in this conversation that I should give up writing pornography of any sort especially if this is the way I am to go about it. I do not know what to say about that. By every means I should if I continue to get such inconsiderate haters. I will assure you that the stories are not written using any scrambling or translating software. I use those for other things when I want to not make sense. So, of course, those could be rubbing off on this kind of writing. I do not consult a dictionary in the midst of writing because I like to follow where the language leads me. The best worst sentence that I can pick out is the one of the first two that deals with coverture, a word from divorce proceedings from the 18th century. That word should have never made the final cut. Yet when I checked a dictionary after the fact I found it can, in fact, mean a covering too. My criterion as an author cannot come down to whether I do or do not know what a word means. What matters is if I strike a feeling or a nerve that one has stumbled on before. Clearly I did not do so for either of you and I apologize for that.

Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1

Sorry, this falls flat. I started, but could not finish. Really like bruv said, no sentence structure.

Overall= 1, BE= 2, Characters= 1, Technical= 1

This is just totally unreadable. It's not like these aren't real words, strung together by a native speaker of the language- they are ACTUAL words, found in dictionaries and everything- they just don't make any damn sense next to each other. It's the most difficult kind of word salad to get through. I can't rate anything about this story because I perpetually have no idea what's going on.

Look: Here's a sentence from a story. In context or out of context it's just gibberish:

"Said tower was mad
anachronistic, belonging to a castle not to the Playboy party unfolding below."

Setting aside a revulsion toward describing something as "mad anachronistic", this sentence is really poorly structured. It just kind of wanders along on the page, with neither punctuation or action to give it a direction.

Here's another sentence:

"Within its smoky glass interior, really tre chique, she saw her high school friends
and her playing on a trampoline. They were all galloping in a circle, suddenly dropping with legs
extended, ass flat, and then back to their feet."

What? There's an immediate transition from being on a trampoline, for some reason, to galloping in a circle. Either the author doesn't know what galloping means or this story is dozens of bits of other stories pasted together as some weird meta commentary. I don't know. It can't be explained. I don't necessarily even want an explanation. I just want to have not read this, but that's impossible now.

Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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