The Definitive BE Story Archive

The Overflowing Bra

A Honeymoon Well Spent
A continuation of MrGrey's "Well Spent" stories. 

The story of MrGrey and his newly wed wife MsGrey go on a honeymoon in Hawaii to relax. Or do they? (Just in case you want to give me some feedback. ;) )
Average Scores:

Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1

Sorry, I just can't get off when the characters are total racist shit heads who are lolassholes. Ain't funny or hot.

Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 4

More then just BE, and is a lot of fun.

Overall= 2, BE= 2, Characters= 3, Technical= 4

95% of this wasn't for me. Thanks for posting anyway.

Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 2

Despite the comments, I did actually read the story. Apparently I should have heeded the malice found in the comments that I felt might have been too harsh. Everything stated below me sums up my opinion pretty damn good. Your ability to create characters I hate is uncanny though.

Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 2

I actually thought this was going to be an okay story. I saw the other comments and didn't know what the big deal was. I like the person causing chaos with transformitive magic plot line after all, maybe this wouldn't be so bad.....then I read on.

I honestly don't find people's lives being ruined and being unhappy with their changes very appealing....this story takes that concept and dials it up by 30. Unlikeable doesn't even begin to describe these two monsters you wrote. I have no idea what tone you were trying to set in this story, but its obvious that "sexy" wasn't it, because frankly, I don't think I have read a more un-sexy breast expansion or transformation fetish story in my life.

I gave you a 2 in technical because at least it was readable, and it seems that English was your first language. Make no mistake; it was still very badly written, but this wasn't like some of the other "stories" barfed into a text file and put up on the site as of late.

So yeah, here's my feedback, find a new hobby.

Overall= 2, BE= 3, Characters= 1, Technical= 2

I get it that you've seen "An afternoon well spent." Indeed in as much as we're here on this site to tell sex fantasies. Doing so in the hopes of getting people to "enjoy themselves". I find that your scene developement (setup) is poor. Sure, you found an activity everyone can identify with, that being tourists venturing to a hotel. But the acts themselves were not as well defined as they should've been. Though granted, 7k words doesn't leave much room for that.

Technically speaking, I trust that you know how to read. Writing IS more difficult than reading; punctuation, quotes and slang has to be infused properly. As I write a story, when I return to it the next day I read it over again. As a reader should if he/she were to read it for the first time. The fundamental errors found in your story could have been corrected just by doing that. You didn't even bother to proof read. You used Windows Word, true, but it can't catch everything. I mean really, if you asked for feeback then for cryin' out loud PUT SOME EFFORT INTO IT. I know we're not paid to post on this site, but why bother if you're not going to bother.

As one poster said if you're going to write about dark characters there should be a hint as to the motive. In "An afternoon well spent", it was stated why Mr Grey did what he did. Doing so didn't take a lot of character developement. Just that he wanted to take a poke at suburban life and take it down a notch. As to why he was being an asshole about it, well, many dark stories have the same theme of denigrating people. These two considerations put together helps people to understand the why of it. Your couple though were just assholes, without the context provided.

Nuff said.

Overall= 1, BE= 2, Characters= 1, Technical= 1

The interesting thing about this story is that it isn't a story, it is simply a blathering about a pair of punks who have magical powers with which they do nothing interesting with except be vicious and callous. I'm curious if you, the author, actually enjoy stories of omniscient beings who wreak havoc on everyone for no reason? I could envision people with deep seated inferiority complexes may like stories similar in style and substance to this piece, but only a small number. In my opinion, both your style and thematic elements create an intentionally limited audience.

Merkava IV
Overall= 1, BE= 3, Characters= 1, Technical= 2

Overall Enjoyment: Bad. Your characters were cruel and vindictive for no apparent reason. Perhaps your point was to show that absolute power corrupts absolutely, but the general level of, for lack of a better term, malevolence was outrageously distracting. Additionally there were lots of jarring technical mistakes that took away from the ability to enjoy the story.

BE: Average. Mainly for quantity, which there was plenty of. The descriptions were limited largely to larger or smaller with occasional cup sizes thrown in. For omnipotent "people" their should have been more references as to size.

Characters: Poor. I kinda get the impressions that with names like Grey, they aren't supposed to be in depth, but they just appear in the story with no references and start being assholes. They are wholly unlikable. If you are going to make villains your main characters, at least give us some descriptions as to why they are evil ass-hats. Make them understandable so we can at least know them.

Technical quality: Poor. I gave you a poor rating because you actually used paragraphs. But there were many glaring technical issues with this story that could have been fixed with a simple once over by a outside party acting as a proof reader. Incorrect word choices, bad punctuation, extra words. All easily caught by a second set of eyes.

I never read the initial Mr. Grey stories. Maybe they are all like this. I had to slog through this to the end just to see how it went, but it wasn't enjoyable (for me). That said you as a writer need to write for yourself. I am obviously not your intended audience, but that doesn't mean that there aren't people who will like your style. I therefore, encourage you to write more. Just get a friend who can proof your work. If you can't do that, convert your work to .PDF and have acrobat read it back to you so you can at least make the most detrimental errors known and fix them before you post your work on a public forum where people are going to eviscerate it.

If you want to talk about stories, I am on the forums. PM me.

Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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