The Definitive BE Story Archive

The Overflowing Bra

Sleepy Hollow
Need a Fourth
Michael has a few weeks free time between finishing his masters and the "real" world.  Jena has found her grandmother's old game.
Average Scores:

Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 5

Loved everything about the story, could've used a bit longer BE scenes, but overall worked out well.

Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

I thought it was a really creative idea. I enjoyed the game. :D

Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

Great, but to short... and only BE AG AP - "old game" make more eventualty...

Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

I enjoyed the story, longer descriptions on the BE would be nice, a quick they got bigger usually never goes over very well. Other than that, the characters had nice short descriptions that got the point across, overall I enjoyed the story, and would've liked it more if the things that happened were drawn out a bit more with more descriptions. Keep up the good work, can't wait to see the second part.

Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5

I loved the story and i'm definately looking forward for a sequal :P

Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 5

need more!!

Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 5

I enjoied it. I'm hoping for and look forward to a sequal. For improvements I guess like others have said it could have used more detail. Don't listen to those that say "its crap." It has alot of potential. Good job and please keep writing.

Overall= 1, BE= 3, Characters= 2, Technical= 4

Guys with boobs are not my thing. I love the AR/AP thing though, I've always liked that.

Sorry for the rating I's just that you could write the greatest BE story ever and I'd still feel gross and dirty reading it if the characters are under a certain age.

Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 2, Technical= 4

I enjoyed this tremendously and it has a lot of potential. I agree the character and BE detail were lacking, but the overall story premise was fantastic. I'm not so much a fan of lactation, but thats just a personal thing... loved the tg elements however. With a little bit more work this could be a truly great story, and I look forward to just that.

Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 2

Not horrible and did like the overall theme there.
Guys with boobs aren't my thing, but too each their own.

Take Bill's advice to heart. There are a few glaring things there that detracted from the story but it isn't something that couldn't be fixed up.

One thing I would have like to see is some more emotion from the girls about their changes. As it is now, they act like they've played this game before and aren't all that expressive or surprised about the changes happening.

Add some surprise that it really works, concerned over what they might get, a hope of what they would really like to get, etc.

Take one girl and make her shy and concerned about being exposed, another who just loves it, another who likes what happens first, but enough is enough, etc.

Again, take the advice to heart or just tell us to STFU.
But wouldn't mind seeing a revised version as I think it has more potential.

Bill Pratt
Overall= 4, BE= 2, Characters= 2, Technical= 2

OK. Prematurely posted, yes, but not beyond all hope. Here’s what it needs:
More description, more characterization, more story.
Who is our hero? Who are the girls? How does he know all of their cup sizes? By spending some time on the girls in action, we don’t need the description info dump at the beginning and the girls will build more emotional investment in the reader.

This isn’t horrible. Mostly it’s missed commas and we often see a hell of a lot worse. Stop your bitching, guys. Give reasons, give examples, give something constructive or don’t bother.

The real technical sin is the reliance on “Tell” to get the point across and the ever evil Passive Tone. For example, let’s look at the first sentence:

Michael was looking forward to 5 weeks of utter nothing.

The first sentence needs to pull the reader in. This doesn’t, but that’s beside the point at the moment. This sentence tells us everything without Michael doing anything. A better cut would be “Michael looked forward to 5 weeks of utter nothing.”
Now Mike has taken action. Pathetic action, but at least there is something.

Now let’s look at the paragraph. A paragraph is a set of tightly interrelated ideas or actions. We have
Mike looking forward to five weeks.
A brief educational history of Mike.
Why Mike is looking forward to the next five weeks.
The neighbours piss Mike off because he’s anally retentive.
Jena is home alone

Of the four sentences, only two are related, and one sentence covers two topics. This fails utterly as a paragraph. Because the two related ideas are separated by a block of non-related data, the continuity of the story is destroyed before it even has a chance to start.
It helps a lot to simply reorder to:
Mike looking forward to five weeks.
Why Mike is looking forward to the next five weeks.
A brief educational history of Mike.
The neighbours piss Mike off because he’s anally retentive.
Jena is home alone

Now let’s break it up
Mike looking forward to five weeks.
Why Mike is looking forward to the next five weeks.
There is enough info here for one paragraph

Michael was looking forward to 5 weeks of utter nothing. 5 weeks of house sitting for his folks while they took a cruise to every port in the Mediterranean, before he moved to his new apartment in Tribeca, should be easy.

Unfortunately it’s dull as hell, even if I fix the passive problem mentioned above.

Five weeks in paradise, that’s what Michael had to look forward to while his folks cruised the Mediterranean. Five weeks of complete control of an empty house. Five weeks of nothing but himself, a computer full of design tools, and a full-featured workshop that could be supplemented with loans from work. Five weeks in which he could experiment to his heart’s content. Maybe even invite a girl over, if he had time.

OK, but it uses “workshop” and “work” in the same sentence. Just using “shop” should suffice and eliminates the repetition. There is no need for the apartment aside or that house sitting should be easy. Mike now has motivation and the reader gets some insights into his personality without the Rapid University data dump.

Now let’s introduce Jena and the gang, shall we?

The only downside happened to be that Michael wasn’t the only one home alone. Next door, the Norsers had also left on an impromptu vacation. He’d agreed to look in on their house happily as part of the price of freedom before he’d found out that their teenaged daughter, Jena, was part of the deal. He suspected that his parents didn’t even know; the Norsers were never good on planning or explaining.

Already Jena had been a handful of trouble. You could hardly tell that she was only fourteen since she stood taller than most full-grown women. The best hint of her true age was her lack of breasts, but that didn’t seem to hurt her ability to try to bring home a different, and older, boy every night. Her core friends, the tiny Japanese Mika and the too-busty-for-her-age Lori, weren’t any better. He’d already broken up two attempted pool parties and fought off a seduction attempt when they had decided the festivities weren’t over yet.

Next we can fit in some jazzed up expository to set the stage or… Dialogue! Seriously, why data dump Jena and the box when you don’t have to? Do we care how she found or opened the box? Maybe.

On day four of his five day vacation at home, Michael showed up at exactly 9pm, as always, for the day’s final check-in at the Norser’s. Unlocking the door, he walked in, calling out for Jena.

“In the kitchen!” came her giggled reply. “C’mon in. We need a fourth.”

‘A forth for what?’ he wondered as he passed under the arched walkway into the kitchen. Jena had friends over, two girls nearly as cute as her, sitting at the table around strange mechanical device that looked as though it had come directly from a Tim Burton film.

It was a mahogany box, about and a foot tall with panels two feet to the side that were opened up to show four sets of chromed handles. The handles appeared to operate a crank that spun a central dais upon which rested a short, wide cylinder that dispensed little cards held at the center.

“What’s that?” Michael couldn’t help but ask.

“Oh it’s just a fun old game of my great granny’s. But we need a fourth player to make it work.” Jena answered, shaking her muddy blond head as the other two girls giggled.

“Where did you find this thing?”

“Up in the attic,” said Mika. Jena found it and figured out how to open all of the crazy locks.”

“Ya,” added Lori. “And she found the instructions her Grandma left. It’s pretty simple.”

“How’s this thing work?”

“Well,” Jena said, “First you have to hold the handles and then the youngest one of us must start by saying their full name, birth date, gender and whether or not they are a virgin. Now Mika is the youngest so she’ll start and it will go clockwise finishing with you. Okay?”

Alright. Now we get moving. As each girl names herself and provides her personal information, you can use the opportunity to describe them a bit better, but don’t waste your time with exact heights and cup sizes. Part of the key to avoiding boring is to space out the details so they don’t lump up like this:

With the machine a blur of motion Michael began to take stock of the girls around him, especially since his unused libido had been started awake by the discussion of sex. Mika was a small Japanese girl, cute and about 4’10” Michael thought, though with decent curves for a 14 year old but small little breasts. This was when Michael finally noticed that the girls were all wearing bikinis from having spent the afternoon in the Norser’s pool. Michael felt a stirring were no 22 year old should in Grosse Pointe unless they want a long spell in jail as his eye wandered to Jena across the table. She was tall for 14, about 5’6” with a bit of a bean pole figure and breasts that were average for her age but a face that could land a modeling career. To his right was Lori, a little shorter than Jena, about 5’4” he thought but with curves that would make any college coed jealous and a C-cup rack that looked proud and firm on her frame.

Now we get to the transformations. This is a transformation-obsessed archive, so spare no expenses and feel free to go overboard on the description. The Aged Boobs on Mika come close to OK, but the rest is pretty lightweight. The BEing of Jena is insufficient. Show the mass. Have the girls heft them and play with them; don’t just say Volleyballs and then take off. Tease.

One bit in particular pissed me off as a writer:

It gave out a card for greatly increased sensitivity to Mika, one for increased tongue length to Jena and one for great lust to Lori.

Holy Tell, Batman. You have the potential for some seriously hot stuff here describing all of this and you pitched it away without thinking

Sleepy Hollow, join the forum and send me a PM. We can workshop this and tighten it up. There is good intent here and plenty of room for hot. Not to mention sequel potential.

Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 2, Technical= 4

While the story probably could have used a little more proof-reading, it's still pretty good - very few typos or wrong words (the to/too/two and its/it's/its' variety of wrong words). A good start for a new writer, but it woulda been nice to have a little more emotion, feelings, or even just background on the 3 girls. Keep up the good work, and don't pay attention to these guys who say it's "just another blah story" cuz it's not.

Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 1, Technical= 1

shitty at best, got a little excited but thats it.

Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 2, Technical= 3

Nothing special here, just basic, random BE+AP with a little TG+AR for good measure, happening to flat caricatures.

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