The Overflowing Bra

God, it's like you're not even trying. Writing's not a race, you can take your time and actually try to re-do it before submitting.

I appreciate the constructive feedback,I'll take all your advice and try to improve in all areas,before I post another story.
    Thank You...
 

I agree with Double S B -- he has some very good advice, even if it sounds harsh.  We are trying to offer constructive criticism and not trying to dissuade you from continuing to write stories.  Some of the errors and grammar lead me to believe that this was not written by a native English speaker.  If so, I can understand why it's difficult to get it right.  I see plenty of native English speaking authors who make mistakes, so don't let it get you down.

Ok, I know you are getting a bunch of crap right now for writing a bad story, but it could be worse.  At the time when I first posted my stories, there was a few comming out about Yuki and Naru.  God they where awful.  That was why I wrote my stories.  But listen.. you can improve your ways.  You need to just work on your grammar a lot.  This is key to writing a great story.  You can't aways find all the errors in the first go through, I learned that myself.  Re-read you story and then let it sit for a day.  Go back and read it again.  Then you should have caught all the errors.  Also, as much as some people enjoy it, I would try to stay away from sex, sex and more sex.  It can really take away from your character's likeability if they a just a blow up doll.  

F-

Wow, thats hard to read.

Alright, I'm probably going to come across as sounding like a bastard so I apologize in advance.  Please take this seriously but not personally.  It looks like you ignored much of the constructive criticism and made little attempt at changing any of the problems that plagued the original story.  I did not enjoy this story as it was very weird and had many plot holes and logical gaps.  It felt rushed and had no real flow.  The grammatical problems, especially maintaining a verb tense, run-ons, and simple grammar checks made this basically unreadable.  Sorry to be so harsh, maybe next time you will take the advice and seek someone in the forum to edit for you, or else spend a little more time on your story before submitting it.  There was also zero character development.  Don't give up, but please take pride in your work and give your ideas the time and editing that they deserve.