Technical mistakes greatly detracted from this story. Also, too many repeating letters. It is not necessary to have two or three lines of letters to express a single syllable of sound.
Just a few too many Hs.
Enthusiastic and ebullient, the author nevertheless needs to learn much more English and compostion in order to make a decent story. Many very basic technical mistakes interfere with what the author is obviously trying to do. Keep at it, but take some English comp classes at the VERY least.
Your Off to a Grate start, hell you are doing better tehn Me. I'm in the still righting phaze :P. Ther is a few Grammer errs. But YOU are doing a grate job, mabe have a friends proff read your next one then after that . Go on post it up
I for One are wating for your next work :) and so dos my right hand :P lol lol lol
thank you for the comments! this is my first proper attempt at a B.E story, theres a few reasons for the punctuation errors, and bad / restricted english,
I'm dyslexic which means sometimes minor details, spelling and grammer can sometimes escape / illude me, i'm also a keen sms texter so im used to using sms text speak not only that i had to change a few news from the first draft, im allready working on the second one and i will try to cut down on the H's im just not sure on the phenetic spelling of the sounds of the words a woman makes in the throbs of orgasmic onset,
bare in mind..it has the..err."effect" on me that it does on other keen BE fan,
im considdering increasing the description length of the expansion and details of what happens to the cloths im just not quite sure how long to make them, as for the proof reading i'll ask a friend of mine to check before i sub-mitt the next installation
if you guys could mail me with any help that'd be great!
many Thanks
D.
Excellent, however I would echo the sentiment that their were simply too many technical mistakes. These mistakes prevented the reader from remaining immersed in the story when attempting to discern the intent of the writer. Despite any of these minor complaints I will check back to see if this story is continued or revised.
WAY too many commas. A paragraph SHOULD NOT be a single sentence with a dozen commas breaking it up, it makes very difficult reading.
Nothing makes a writer look more amateur than using 2 in place of two, too, and to. Other than that there were points where it seemed a sentence started halfway through the sentence.
I'm sorry, but I couldn't make my way through all 48 pages, the technical problems were too much for me. I realize that you can't help it, but it was just too hard for me to read this thing.
The BE scenes are okay, the characters are a little... flat, if you'll pardon the expression. Most of the ones I saw in what I read were described and depicted as bra sizes and haircolors, and they interacted in more or less the same way.
It might have been the lack of proper sentences and/or paragraphs, but the story felt a little hurried, too, but I'm not entirely sure why.
And yeah, less typing out of the orgasmic noises would be a step in the right direction. Or if nothing else, just don't make the so long. It'd be easier to say '"Oh, Rich," she moaned,' than to type the actual moan out, and it'll look better too.
It's a nice start, just try to find an editor or someone to look at it and help with the parts that you're not good at/capable of. If there's ever arevison, i'll give it a look.
Good Luck!