The Definitive BE Story Archive

The Overflowing Bra

Merkava IV
The Chronicle of Angela Bonnet
The story of Angela Bonnet's coming of age, as told by her friend and secret admirer.
Average Scores:

Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
I know you wont read this.
I love you so much.
Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1

awful writing from an awful person.

Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 3

Well my only criticisms would be the number overload and a sometimes feeling of rushed-ness.
That said, I am one of those who loves the combination of breast, muscle, and height that this story delivers. However the thing that REALLY clinches it is that it occurs not through any means of magic, science or any other hoo-haa, but through a girl growing naturally, and growing, and growing.
I would love if there were a lot more stories out there like this, but I think have all of them. Much more common to see the "magic pill" "enchanted bra" stuff around. Not as sexy in my opinion! I mean, no one has ever seen a magic bra, but everyone has been through puberty right? Anyways, whatever kinks your skink.

gts dreamer
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 5

Well structured. Enjoyable for the natural feel. Some nice, but sparse, dialogue. Not exactly how I would have told the story but it rolls to a nice close. A little predictable and not the most memorable, attention getting story I've ever read. I probably wouldn't read it through a second time. But the elements are there to take this to the next level. It definitely doesn't need to be longer, just "colorized."

Personally, I feel these longer, slow-growth driven stories benefit from a little sadness and/or trauma thrown the male character's way. It's a good way to keep the reader interested and it satisfies all those gluttons for punishment. *raises hand*

Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 3, Technical= 4

You have a strong grasp of language and story writing Merkava IV. I just couldn't stand the story. It's like one of those Hollywood coming of age movies that go on and on ... and on. I must admit to reading half-way and then skipping to the last page. Hence the 1 for enjoyment.

I read BE stories for the eroticism therein, even the ones that have a strong horror theme usually have an underlying thread of (some would say perverse) sensuality/sexuality. Having said that, I couldn't really identify with this story on that level. The focus seemed, to me, to be directly on the relationship between your two main characters. The BE was insipid and came across as incidental, seemingly occuring without reason every summer (but not during the year?) for ...4 years? I didn't actually count, but it was a few. Angela had a very strange puberty! Ergo, 1 for BE.

As I mentioned first up, your writing style is quite good. A bit clinical at times; it didn't flow where it should. Stories told in the first person can be awkward like that. I realise you are trying to give a good rendition of someone's thoughts, but it can be quite jarring to read with all the flip-flopping.

Perhaps next time, although it may seem messy, take the experiences of your protagonists and delve into them in detail. So the reader can share the experience that the character went through. Rather than building the scene up to promptly gloss over it with a "it happened, it was bad/good because [reason]." It destroys reader empathy and turns your characters into cardboard cutouts.

Reading over my comments, I know they sound very negative. Don't be discouraged though, everything always take more work than you thought it would when you started.

Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5

i liked it

Overall= 2, BE= 2, Characters= 2, Technical= 4

There's a base here, but you have to build on it.

Overall= 4, BE= 2, Characters= 3, Technical= 4

There aren't enough good "natural" GTS stories otu there. I liked this one. I would have liked more sexual content, and better physical descriptions.

Overall= 3, BE= 2, Characters= 2, Technical= 4

FIRST, the only means for physical descriptions you used was numbers, which bad. That may be fine for height, but for weight and breast size? I mean, exactly how big is a 46M-cup? Plus, it only ever happened during the summer. Never during the school year?

SECOND, your characters were extremely flat, especially the main character. Have you ever heard the term "stoic"? It means that stuff happens to a person, they simply let it happen, kind of like an extreme sense of "going with the flow" but in a bad way.

THIRD, your writing style wasn't half bad. But like Daunte said, there just wasn't enough (if any) eroticism.

FOURTH, there's one thing that Daunte said I have to disagree on. He said that the "flip-flopping" of the first person point of view was jarring. I actually support this. It's called "stream-of-consciousness" writing, where one thought leads seemlessly into the next. You just need to work on it. Like, instead of redirecting your thoughts by taking the time to write something like "Let me break off the storyline a moment to tell you about...", try to lead into it from a previous thought. Or, when getting back ON topic, instead of writing "Oh, there I go getting off topic again," a simple "anyway" will do the trick perfectly. Stream-of-consciousness is a difficult technique to learn, but if you can perfect it, it'll become a powerful tool. For some good stream-of-consciousness reference (or just a GREAT book in general) you should check out Catcher in the Rye (I forget the author). feedback turned out to be quite long indeed...

Merkava IV
Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 2, Technical= 4

Okay, thank you all for your feedback. This was my first story, and I wrote is quite a while ago. I know it had "number based" BE, which I agree sucks. I am making an effort to be more descriptive in the next one. The next one is not stream of conciousness based, but it is in the first person. As for the lack of Eroticism, well, wasn't intended to be, and the disclaimer said that pretty point blank. I apreciate all of your comments, even the seemingly negative ones. At least you all said I am technically okay (and yes, I use a spell checker, 'cuz I can't spell in real life).
Overall= 3, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

A nice story, well written..but alittle slow and I'd enjoy being inside the female leads mind to hear her thoughts...and from an author nick named "chariot"...I hope to see more action...Dan in warm los angeles
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5

add me sometime

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