This is a refresh of a story I uploaded decades ago. 12k downloads, but the comments said it sucked. So took a stab at fixing it.
Average Scores:
- Overall: 2.00
- BE: 2.00
- Characters: 2.50
- Technical: 2.50
bob
Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 2, Technical= 2
Bad pacing, short sentences, awkwardoveruse of analogies made the story worse somehow compared to the original.
Let's use one example
I kissed her. She kissed me back like she was falling off a cliff and I was the wind.
If you were implying resignationinevitability, I might change it to this
I kissed her. She kissed me back like she had fallen off a cliff and I was gravity.
If you want to lighten the mood you could rewrite it like this
I kissed her. She kissed me back and clung to me like I was her parachute and she had just jumped off a cliff.
brit
Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
And I want to emphasize, just a stab. A gentle one. I promise I'll do better next time.
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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