Another commission! When a trio of succubi run a sorority, causing girls to grow in order to drain their life force, it doesn't go quite as planned when Meghan has deeply bottled up feelings for her best friend. If it seems fast paced, it was because I was constricted on word count.
Average Scores:
- Overall: 4.50
- BE: 4.50
- Characters: 4.00
- Technical: 5.00
Starman732
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 5
When choosing a female protagonist as your lead character you have to keep a female perspective when giving her inner monologue. As she looks at some of her sorority sisters, she doesn't think how that would fulfill any man's dream. Now She could think how they look like living sculpture of femininity or a Hollywood trophy wife. I do not know many women would could have Ccup breasts and think they are inadequate. maybe sad that Chris looked at another woman they was she wanted him to look at her. or envious of attention. You have to remember Ccup is Average. Now, If she was A cup, I would understand that position. I liked that you shifted perspective. But you noticed when describing anyone, you mention their body, but not their clothes. You do give brief mention of some peeking down a shirt, so I know one shirt was loose. but add some detail. flesh it out. put that first girl in yoga pants and a tshirt that has a knot above the mid drift, with an intentional cut to show of her ample cleavage. How that knot stays tied you will never know as she bounced around braless.
New Frost
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
I really enjoyed this one, but as I was reading it I could not help but wish that it was more drawn out and fleshed out. I'd love to see this story expanded, extended or given a spiritual sequel.
BB47
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
Excellent! Good job building the tension, making us wait with them. Im with Roid, even more background would have made the story even better.
Roid Abuser
Overall= 4, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Excellent, excellent, excellent. Very hot.
To the extent I have quibbles, it is, as you warned, you were limited by word count. Even so limited, I would have liked a hair more explanation of why this was an unusual circumstance. Say, perhaps they were losing energy because of the protagonist's strength of will, and, in desperation, messed up on her concoction for the boy and made it 10,000 times stronger than she intended. Or perhaps the boy was the progeny of a former and now long graduated member of the sorority, conceived in that very house 19 years ago.
It's a great story. I would encourage you to expand on it it certainly expanded something of mine.
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
Due to comment spam, any new posts with http in them will be destroyed.
