James is a very lonely man, who's at the end of his rope. After 35 years without finding love, he's near suicide. But an act of divine intervention will seek to change all that... and his long lost love is just aching to make all his fantasies come true.
This is part one, and it's the beginning of a novel-length story. This is my first attempt at writing a BE story, and I wanted to make sure it was different from anything I've ever read.
Can't wait to hear everyone's comments.
Average Scores:
- Overall: 4.33
- BE: 4.40
- Characters: 4.33
- Technical: 4.53
CrashO
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
This is...I mean, it's good, you're pretty proficient, but there's a lot of problems. I like the fact that you correctly portray depression and being in a low point how he's got women happily into him and he literally can't believe it to the point of even having people shout that he's got interested women and he just blindly refuses it.
There's also the small bit about how BE writing often falls prey to two capital sins 1, 11 comparisons that don't capture actual size nine months pregnant with triplets, as big as beach balls, etc, and 2, raw naked measurements void of context or reason to know them four feet across three gallons, etc. There's sexier and hotter ways to capture it that you also delve into impossible to fit his hands around, wider than her hips spilling over her thighs but this is a pet peeve. Just say no.
But, once you get into the plot, there....isn't one. There's no conflict, no character arc, no complexity, which is fine if this was shorter and was more about several sexual romps there was a genie story I read about some time ago that went a similar path but there's just a whole lot of meandering and sexual playing with a man and his longdead longtime wife. There's no real newness and we're not discovering them as characters cause there's no development.
Again, not to downplay it, but his wife literally fixes everything in the story and even his depression, money troubles, loneliness, friends, and even the life of others is fixed. Wish fulfillment can be nice but maybe take the Harry Potter tract in that he gets a lot of crazy stuff but has a lot of struggles along the way? Having a ressurected wife is great material for shenannigans or struggles or even more dramatic complexity and...nothing. You're decently talented so please do more but this needs work before you make a part2.
ObscureMythos
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
Some minor grammatical errors that I can't even remember, honestly, some sappy cliche writing obviously meant to be totally feelgood which I rather prefer, honestly, a fanciful depiction of Christianity that I can appreciate.
As others have said, spoton depiction of depression I hope you have not had the experience to lend credence to the writing. This cuts close for me, but in a good way if it can be called that. The fetish content as well could be, perhaps, refined. Not realistic, just more... well, reallike. Gallons of milk? Huh. As well, there is a somewhat unrefined quality to the writing inconsistent tone, pacing, etc. This undoubtedly will be better in future writings with practice. That being said
910, would recommend to someone if I were to recommend fetisherotica, and I seriously cannot wait for Part II to come out!
jmasta31
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Love this story dude! A happy ending, yet open for a sequel, which I hope very much for!!!
Thinmint
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 4
Great concept, I've a similar story in the works actually, but I'm glad to see the idea fostered in another's mind as well! Solid effort, good writing nice story, though a bit meandering at times. Good growth, but the descriptions could stick to a unit or at least general round thing comparisson for consistency. All in all, good story! Hope there's more.
Kanodin
Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 5
anon and BB47 said it I think you're projecting a sense of entitlement onto your character. You need a problem, a development that actually changes your characters, and a lesson besides sex and growing boobs that makes reading it worthwhile. As of now the story is way too long for its payoff.
Ktc1221
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
I actually wanted him to hook up with the bartender. Hopefully it's all part of the master plan? Great story. rn
Nightmarishhell
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Absolutely one of the best stories I have read in a while. please continue the good work.
Bobityboo
Overall= 4, BE= 5, Characters= 3, Technical= 4
While I did enjoy the story it did get a bit cringey with all the lovey dovey writing. There were a few grammatical mistakes but they were minor at worst. But I loved everything else and I can't wait for part 2.
anon
Overall= 3, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 4
A decent idea, but the cringy wishfulfillment aspects of the story drag it down.
BB47
Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Fantastic writing, but unfortunately, just not my thing. She's just too powerful, after she arrives there needs to be a delimma or limitation, but all conflict is erased, which makes me bored.
a
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
this is fantastic, please keep going
JJM75
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
BEST story uploaded to this site in a long time!
Nightblue
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
Good Work! Hope to see part 2 soon.
jarath76
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Great story. The plot was good, and left open the doors for many more adventures. Hope you have a part 2 soon.
Monkmanny
Overall= 4, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
Genuinely enjoyed this! I like the idea behind it, and it's on the right path to a great execution. Can't wait for part 2 to see what other lives get a doover.
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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