More a proof of concept than anything, this is my first foray into this sort of thing. As the name suggests, this is very much intended to be a 'chapter one' sort of deal, with more to come. Plenty more. Growth is relatively minor in this chapter, but that won't be the case for long. Mia, shy research librarian, has an interesting run-in with an adventurer looking for information on an ancient fertility goddess. Predictable actions follow. Please rate and comment, I'd love to know what you think.
Average Scores:
- Overall: 4.73
- BE: 4.45
- Characters: 4.64
- Technical: 4.73
Karza
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
really good, creative. just a thought based on her transformation if our mysterious man was changed from some shy archeologist too. can't wait for their next adventure
maybeenuf4u
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
I loved the story! But why open office SPREADSHEET?
TrebleClef
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
Wow, Mia is the chattiest BE narrator I've ever read. She has a real presence in the story too, it's cute. I don't know so far whether I'm supposed to like Crete though; his muscle-bound/big cock/philanderer/daring adventurer status is a little cliché to take seriously. If we are supposed to like him, then I hope to see some unexpected wrinkles in his character in later installments.
There were occasionally words or bits of sentences that I would have cut out to make the writing flow more. Other than that, the story is technically very strong.
I like your imaginary world and the fact that you can launch us straight into the story without a big info dump. You trust the reader to set questions aside and stick with the story, it works.
Mia does give into her desires a little quickly. I don't know if you're going to set us straight later with a satisfying explanation, but, for lack of one, I would have given her a couple of paragraphs at least to fight temptation. The shy chatterbox turns into a horny slut in a heartbeat.
Overall, I liked the story. I like how you take your time introducing us to your character and situation and finish chapter 1 with a satisfying payoff. Hope to see more installments!
Bigd
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Finally a good, quality, fanatic sorry worthy of the classics! Great job! Can't wait for more!
BB47
Overall= 4, BE= 5, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
My two favorite themes, big cock and BE. Good job, however, I wish there was a little bit more character development with Mia. Don't get me wrong, your physical descriptions were nice and your writing was excellent. I just like to know more backstory.. And Mia seemed to accept everything too easily. Her character seemed like she would have fought back a little, providing some counterpoint. Otherwise, high marks!
cman
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
Super exciting! Nice style, nice sexy stuff. Looking forward to more.
A
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
Very promising start. I particularly like how you have done enough world building to hint at elements of this world in this opening chapter rather than clumsily expounding at length about them. You've also done well at building characterization for Mia, but Crete is currently more of an object or archetype than a character you can be invested in. Perhaps that is intentional?
clibretto
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
I am eagerly looking forward to the next chapter!
Whut
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
This was good. I don't even want to qualify that statement. The fact that this was your first story gives me great joy.
I eagerly aawit your next story.
RiddleAellinea
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
I really like the first person perspective in this - it far exceeds the usual fap-fest stream of consciousness. This was descriptive with a good sense of action and pacing. I eagerly await the next installment!
raleigh
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Can't wait to see part two!
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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