bigd97747@yahoo.com
The is my revision and take on a classic from back in the day. While it was great then, it has grown rather bland and lacks quality. I attempted to streamline a few parts, and added some dialogue, which was missing. The same basic structure and ideas of the original story are intact, just updated. Enjoy! C and C is appreciated.
Average Scores:
- Overall: 3.67
- BE: 3.33
- Characters: 2.67
- Technical: 2.67
Psy
Overall= 3, BE= 2, Characters= 4, Technical= 3
My main problem is how suddenly everything happens. There is no slow growth, no "caving in" phase in the arguments. It goes from being against it to DOING it over the course of a short paragraph. Also, the growth was way too quick for me, especially considering the "source" of it. The boobs over the course of the night would have been awesome, but the pregnant belly? That takes time when you're talking about an actual pregnancy.
BigD88
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 2, Technical= 3
Thanks. It was a sleep deprived half hour one shot. I just came across it and decided to mainly add dialogue, which I believe was something the original was lacking. I wasn't really interested in developing the characters or changing the structer of the story. The cookie cutter characters is kind of the charm of the original old school stuff we all read back in the day. Thanks for your suggestions! If I ever write something original, I'll take them to heart.
Gman001
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 2, Technical= 2
Not bad for a fast one shot deal. Lots of grammar issues in the piece. I would've like to have her initial growth described better, just sort of jumped to a point and then began growing.
Keep up the good work and tune your craft. The sex and dirty talk was pretty well done...though it did make your characters a little cookie cutter.
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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