zadiusax@yahoo.com
Remastered and Re-edited edition.
Restored the missing chapters. There is actually a ton of material that got cut out of the last upload.
The primary difference starts at part 104.
Added some paragraph breaks to the walls of text.
Terry Anderson is a high school graduate with a little problem. Miniscule, in fact. But, when he finds some snake oil cream in his grandfather's old traveling trunk, he exchanges his tiny problem for a big one. Now a freshman in college, Terry and his cream are cleaving chaos and insanity wherever they go. The student body will never be the same... Co-authored with Fafhrd. Originally posted on LPSG.org
Average Scores:
- Overall: 4.00
- BE: 2.44
- Characters: 4.22
- Technical: 4.33
Jason G
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 5
Epic. Took me over a week to read it, in bits and pieces since i've been so busy. Agreed that the MPG was obviously the central focus of the story, but the BE definitely has potential. What i read seemed to be missing a part tho - it jumped from chris and the tiny girl in the back room of dunkin donuts straight to chris/tasha/kimber setting up wii fit, with no new section marker or explanation. Granted i'm reading this on my android phone using "mobile document viewer", but i use that to review work related docs all the time without issue. And those have a lot more formatting than this story does. Aside from the this weird cut, the rest of it flowed well. Your charachters are fully developed, and your writing and editing are great, which is a very rare thing in this corner of the internet. Eagery awaiting the next installment, which looks like it'll have some real BE this time!
OM NOM NOM
Overall= 3, BE= 2, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
Sometimes less is actually more. When a story is this size, and it seems at least a good third of it is devoted to one of the character's jacking off, you may want to consider trimming things down.
That being said, the BE is actually quite good once you actually get to it, but I'm not sure how many readers are going to plow through this to get that far.
Dusty
Overall= 2, BE= 1, Characters= 4, Technical= 3
Ehhhh...wrong site.
99% Penis enlargement, 1% teasing of BE. I mean, you characters are all right and the writing is mostly decent. But what is this story doing on this site?
Luminaire
Overall= 5, BE= 2, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Great stuff; but it ended just when you were about to get to the good BE! Hope to see another chapter; the possibilities are vast!
Sysop
Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
This was a very well written series, and I could tell that you and Fafhrd were really into writing it. I checked the thread over at LPSG.org and saw the original format.
SPOILER ALERT FROM HERE DOWN
I really liked the following two scenes:
1) The condom scene between Terry and Dianne was great! I loved how she snuck some of the cream into the condom. It was very well written and hot. I also loved how she accidentally got some on her clit. I guess the bottom line for the scene was that I loved that a character used the cream in a sneaky way to get what they want.
It would have been interesting if the condom had broken. What would have happened to Dianne?
2) The scenes with May and June and later Tasha and Kimber using the cream for BE were great. I would have loved to see some jealousy play out by one character sneaking some cream on another without their knowledge. Like if Tasha gave Kimber extra huge nipples or something.
One additional idea that I was always expecting but never saw was a character having their lips swell up after performing oral on a guy that had just used the cream. That would have been hot too.
Overall, great series. Please keep up the great work!
Ray
Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
theman149
Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
You did great with your characterization, and the overall story-telling.
With the missing chapter, it certainly makes a lot more sense.
My only criticism it that it ends just when the plot starts building. I hope this is still a work-in-progress, and I encourage you to post updates at your leisure.
smartz118
Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
Good, the missing chapter is in there. Also, it seems to end on an abrupt note. Is it still being made?
ktc
Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
The jump to Greg was pretty confusing, but now it all makes sense. Awesome story, hope you post it here again when it gets updated.
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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