thegreygreyman@gmail.com
A two part story about a girl that becomes increasingly powerful. I will be the first to say that -while it is present- BE is not the focus of this story. In my vanity I was trying to create more of a SciFi short story on the nature of power and morality. The name of the story is "Goddess from the Machines" or "Goddess of the Machines." Either works.
Sincerely,
Mr. GreyMan
Average Scores:
- Overall: 4.09
- BE: 2.64
- Characters: 4.09
- Technical: 4.45
Roid Abusers
Overall= 1, BE= 2, Characters= 2, Technical= 5
Meh. Well-written, but meh.
Pretty much like all the other stories you write.
No tension; not likeable or relatable protagonist.
Anonymous.
Overall= 5, BE= 1, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
Okay for intentional mary-sues, but even main characters can lose sometimes - to come back in force.
anon
Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
It's like you took my deepest, darkest sexual desires and splayed them out on the page.
Merkava_IV
Overall= 5, BE= 1, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
I second what many have said here. The BE is there, but it's neither the focus, nor really important in any way to the story.
Now that said, wow, this was great! I look forward to more stuff from you. Keep it up!
Xero
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Adam will be back. He wouldn't go into battle with out a back up plan.
Blieker
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
Excellent! Looking forward to more..thanks for sharing.
Btw...low pH (below 7) is acid, pH above 7 is caustic. Adam's blood being an acid would make his pH too low for the nanites to survive.
(pH scale is from 0-14)
K
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
The Story is nicely written, has a decent plot and...
Well that was the positive stuff.
In negative for the kind of side you posted it on it is a little short on sexual activity and describtion of changes(not only BE).
At some points you could have been more thorough in describing the story (for example: the connection with her father, the relationship with Adam...)
And my last point. Why is everyone so very eager to subjucate him/his world to some kid with the abilities of a goddess but no sense for responsibility or any trace of wisdom. If this story would go on for some millenia this story would end with a bored goddess and some cavemen with atomic bombs.
Summarising the critic:
- Good Story with room for improvement
- lacking of sexual activity
- dissapointing ending
Carry on writing but you do need training
SA
Overall= 5, BE= 2, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
Screw the BE.
This is a fantastic Scifi concept. That could easily be fleshed out into a full length novel.
I was dissappointed with the ending. I'm not normally someone that must have the happy ending, but this story cried out for Adam, the outsider, to teach the "perfect being" what the true meaning of humanity is.
JP
Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Superb story. Looking forward to the next one! :)
Mr. GreyMan
Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
In Latin 'Deae' is only the plural of 'Dea' when used in the nominative or vocative case. I am using it in the dative case here.
Sincerely,
Mr. GreyMan
elvis at last
Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 4
Dea is goddess. Deae is goddesses. I suppose the others will show up in part 2.
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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