The Definitive BE Story Archive

The Overflowing Bra

My Mistress - Expanded
I met a sultry vampire in a pub in the forest. She took me away for the best sex I have ever had, and then began to tell me about her past.

PDF format, one picture, please read the introduction and do leave commentary. There will be more posts.
Average Scores:

Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 4

Oh, wow...

The first part is pretty good for a short, and the rest of it builds wonderfully on a post-magical-apocalypse setting that I'd love to read more of. I can't see just yet how you're planning to tie it all back into the vampire-and-succubus goodness just yet, but you can be absolutely sure I'll be waiting to find out!

All in all, it's quite an unexpectedly good read. It's a little unusual how different the first chapter is from the other three, in terms of erotic content, but I think it works! I'm definitely sold on the concept of beginning your tale 'in media res' and then switching it up afterwards - now that the reader's had their fun, they can probably sit still long enough to listen to the backstory of your characters/world.

Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 4

I love the dark Mistress and her powers and what she can do. Dose she "collect" the people she changes or let them go out into the world to do their own "thing?"

The change between from the action was a lil sudden, not bad. Dieing to hear more of the world. Are there other things with abilities like hers, but with a much less human prospective?

Love it thanks...

Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5

very good!

Overall= 4, BE= 5, Characters= 3, Technical= 3

I would actually be interested in seeing the somewhat post-apocalyptic world presented in the second part expanded upon on its own without worrying about the BE. (Obviously would have to be published elsewhere, then)
To me, it just seemed like the two sections were tacked together without much reason.

Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 3, Technical= 4


Overall= 3, BE= 5, Characters= 3, Technical= 3

No offense, but I think the shorter version was better.

Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 3

My comment went from just a comment to full blown criticism of the writing. So instead of posting an even longer wall of text I will be emailing you the majority of what I think about your extensions. In summary though

Overall Enjoyment:
It got very confusing to follow very fast, and while it was interesting to see you try to create this world that was from it was too jumbled together and not fully cohesive

BE Description:
This was the same as the last story, except her powers apparently originated from mushrooms? And thats where her boobs came from too? I don't think this is what you intended to mean


Beyond the Mistress gaining a name, your characters became questionable.

Technical Quality:

Here's the biggest change. While your first chapter had no character depth, it still had good writing quality (much stronger than plenty of stories posted here) and was easy to follow. Your following chapters have multiple grammatical errors and it is difficult to understand what was going on even after reading the sentence a couple times.

Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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Rate this story from 1-5 stars (5 stars is best) in the following categories:

Overall Enjoyment(How much did you like the story overall?)
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BE Description (Detail, quantity, quality)
1 2 3 4 5

Characters (Descriptions, likeability)
1 2 3 4 5

Technical Quality (Writing style, grammar, etc.)
1 2 3 4 5

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