A British schoolgirl, a bubbly shorty, an Eastern European spy, an out of work actress, and a motorcycle chick undergo a variety of transformations in a locker room.
(This post is a result of the recent chain of reposts. Above is my previous story, now with 99% less food references and eye bleeding fonts. I have also done my best to smooth out and/or streamline the text. With my next story, I am interested in pursuing one of these character's plot lines further. PM me if you have a preference or you can leave them in the rating box. Also please inform me if this still is awkward for you. I am willing to put it through the ringer, at least, one more time)
Average Scores:
- Overall: 2.00
- BE: 2.33
- Characters: 1.67
- Technical: 2.00
BB47
Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
This is a re-write of her previous story, "The man in the highbacked computer chair". For a while, I had trouble following Yash's narrative style. But then I realized that she writes using a modified "Noir" methodology. I had to adjust my way of reading, push my glasses a little further up on my nose and sit back a little further from the page. Each paragraph is a blob of erotic paint. This is staccato imagery which requires a 2nd or 3rd reading to connect the dots. Oh.. I know.. it's not for everybody.. but it becomes much poignant when I realize that amidst the dickgirls and gallons of cum, bubble butts and expanded breasts, that there is actually some hot, juicy, erotic shit going on here. If you can come to terms with the writing style, then make sure you read the bonus section at the end.
pr0nm8
Overall= 2, BE= 2, Characters= 1, Technical= 2
I think you did well on describing the sex, but I can hardly follow the plot. The opening didn't make sense and doesn't describe the characters. Maybe you could try breaking it into chapters between paragraphs. Also I couldn't find where the AG and LAC were? Maybe rewrite?
Pantslessjoe
Overall= 1, BE= 2, Characters= 1, Technical= 1
Your story is very hard to follow. I cant even understand whats going on from paragraph to paragraph.
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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