This is a draft caught somewhere in between a completely new version and what you already read. If have or haven't read the original I would recommend reading this version. It's much more developed. I tried to keep the criticism I got in mind. Aureole Baker, on a student exchange trip in Paris, discovers a strange pastry shop that will change her life.
Average Scores:
- Overall: 4.40
- BE: 3.60
- Characters: 3.80
- Technical: 4.60
Grimmy
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
This is your best story on OB yet, but more so due to characters, setting, and style than any of the breast expansion or sex. The busty milk maid and hairy lumberjack fluid orgy was a weirdly jarring introduction to the erotic side of the story, and took a bit of the buildup to Aureole's eventual transformation. That scene is the first of what becomes a conflict between the pornographic elements and mildly erotic elements of the story. Creme Puff worked best when it dealt with the latter - things like the neon chalk pastry menu or Aureole eating the pastry. Despite all that it was still a nice read. Looking forward to what you'll be putting up next.
LeeroyDoyle
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 3, Technical= 5
Very nice story. :)
A story taking place in France (it always happen in imaginary land or America lol) give an appreciate originality too.
But you could have avoid that cliche you implicitely give by the "hairy guy" with the : "omg, this guy is hairy and so dirty, I didn't see an American that dirty and hairy. Because you know, all american are clean, but not those European ..." ^^
Like Anony-mouse, some odd phrasing, but in the whole that was excellent sir. :)
Roughneck
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
Fantastic! Different than most stories I've read, but that's a GOOD thing. Can't wait for more!
Anony-mouse
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
So much better than the last few stories, you really have improved, I enjoyed the pop-up book style description. The biggest complaint has to be with some odd phrasing, but really that's quite minor.
PyroWildcat
Overall= 4, BE= 2, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
Much better technically than the previous iteration of this story, and I like the new details that you've added.
Slightly disappointed that the breast expansion wasn't added to, but that's offset by the addition of lip expansion, which I'm a real sucker for.
Some great improvements, and I can't wait to see where this goes next.
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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