The Definitive BE Story Archive

The Overflowing Bra

Yashmen Halfcount
Creme Puff
Areole Baker, an American student on a French exchange trip, gets separated, explores Paris on her own, and stops at a local pastry shop.  They do things weird in France, Areole learns fast.  

Feedback appreciated.     
Average Scores:

Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

The main character's name was very obvious, yet amusing. This was a good short story, but it needs better pacing.

Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 4

Areole as some sort of L'Oreal (that famous French company) ? xD
This story is very interesting. Good job ^^

Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

i like the story and want to read more. please continue with this one. the tf was a little fast and the spirit thing came out of no where, i had to read that part over to make sure i got it all. as i said good story i want to read more. i want to know what the other two pastry do (really think she should try the Cinnamon Roll next). also think there needs to be one more person in the mix to make it a little bit more fun. hope to see more soon.

Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

Your story was a very good read
Looking forawrd to the sequel

Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 3

thought this was pretty great. keep writing

Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 4

I thought it was a good story.

Some of the parts were rushed, the couple leaving as she was entering(it was too quick for what they were doing), the store description(I thought there coulda been funny clues to what was coming if she woulda paid attention), the tf was quick, and the talking "spirit or genie" of the snack food just kinda came outta nowhere.

But that being said, I thought it was a damn good story. The auto-translate is different(if the author wouldn't have drawn attention to it I wouldn't have noticed), but as far as I can tell it doesn't detract from the story(after all, everyone is speaking french, DUHH!)

Is there other shops in Paris that that, a fancy "leather" clothing store, or a "full moon" bar or rave club, high class "participant encouraged" museum? Or is the bakery like a drug that she cant go with out, returning everyday to try something new. Waiting on the next installment. ...

oh and prok1ll5, ur a DUMBASS!!!

Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

No, this isn't automatically translated, although the writer doesn't have a great grasp of idiomatic English. (But that's just fine. They know the language well enough. And pr0k1ll5 is obviously an idiot.)

It's obviously the first part of an imagined series? I'd love to read more. But linger over the transformations: in this piece, Areola goes from stick figure to plantureux and déjeuner in the space of three paragraphs. I'd like that transformation to take longer on the page.

Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1

ur in amrica lurn2speek englsh

Overall= 2, BE= 2, Characters= 3, Technical= 3

The story seems to be auto-translated from French to English. I would say that this mere fact is the issue that causes the story to lose cohesion, but perhaps it just wasn't there in the first place. The background is elaborate and expansive. I started to get a sense of the main character but I don't understand the point of the story. She eats a pastry and expands? That's it? I guess I need a little more. Perhaps at the end, make the bakery suddenly disappear like it was never there. Leaving the protagonist confused and horny. Stumbling back to her youth hostel, she finds her boyfriend there, who flew all the way to suprise her on her birthday. He is confused by her changes but also turned on. They make love, where her luscious body is described in full detail, he finds a piece of left over pastry in her purse and gets her to eat it, she expands even more, etc.

Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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BE Description (Detail, quantity, quality)
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Characters (Descriptions, likeability)
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Technical Quality (Writing style, grammar, etc.)
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