Sorry about the large file size, I have .doc, .rtf, and .txt in here for everyone. (turns out I can save them in a format other than just .rtf O.o)
Okay....
In this story, Amanda is looking for a good massage.
Her friend Jasmine tells her about this new place that just opened up. It turns out that the 'Glowing Touch Massage' spa does a little bit more than massages.
Again, the intro is a bit longer than most, but I
feel it needed a good introduction, the back story.
Stories need a plot.
Theres some slight girl on girl making out towards the end of the story, but nothing 'heavy'. I intend on making a series of sorts, so expect it to be completed and expanded upon.
-spoiler-
Expect Manda and Jaz to do things in future stories ;)
comments to Parkerdragonturtle@yahoo.com or the forums.
Average Scores:
- Overall: 3.50
- BE: 3.25
- Characters: 3.25
- Technical: 2.75
Crash
Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 2, Technical= 4
Glad to see more preg content but you need to go into some depth of psychology to make it really worthwhile. Like, how she reacts to being pregnant, or if she feels just okay with it all, or if she freaks out?
maybeenuf4u
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 5, Technical= 3
I liked Amanda, & her friend. I think it was the giggling part! I must say I was disappointed to find shes prego, and doesn't mind? Huh? Left way too many unanswered questions. Did you plan it that way for subsequent chs?
Whatever. I enjoyed the story. But youve got to give more BE description.
Russian Judge
Overall= 3, BE= 4, Characters= 2, Technical= 2
Again, there is a difference between "your" and "you're." I found it hard to care about the characters; Amanda didn't jump off the page for me; who is she? What does she care about? Simply saying she's bisexual wouldn't be as interesting as her discovering her sexuality, suddenly developing lust for her girlfriend, or something...you know, DRAMATIC. Nonetheless, the idea is good; that she's suddenly fat, has huge boobs and is pregnant (with WHAT? From a machine?) holds promise if you ever buckle down and write a good sequel.
PrBlahBlahtson
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 2
Have to ding you on the Technical quality. After the txt-speak shot, I started noticing the abuse of your (possessive) and you're (you are) through the entire story.
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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