Red-headed Heather Mcoule, a 39 year old single office worker, was bullied constantly by her coworkers about her age and for the unusual rate of her aging. However, all that's about to change when Marty, a 2 foot tall leprechaun, visits her one night at the office. After Heather finds out that she too is a magical being, both she and Marty go out and take revenge on her coworkers in various magical ways. It is obvious that one scene is somewhat influenced by the 1995 movie Leprechaun 3. This is part 1 of the story.
Average Scores:
- Overall: 3.50
- BE: 3.50
- Characters: 3.25
- Technical: 3.33
Volt Namazuros
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 5
I really enjoyed this story! Here's hoping you wrote more and they just aren't on this site, but I had a blast reading it. I just wish you had gone into more detail on what happened to Kassey, since that was the most interesting part of the story, I thought. Also, she had huge lips, I would have loved to see you write out her mumbling and muffled speech!
So yeah, really really liked it!
Tdean
Overall= 3, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
LOVE the news reports, DA funny!!!
milkie
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
VideoJunkie
Overall= 4, BE= 5, Characters= 4, Technical= 3
I very much enjoyed your story, and hopefully we'll see the future installments in the near future.
56kowboy
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 3
Overall enjoyed the story and looking forward to the next one.
Thank you for sharing your work!
gulli
Overall= 2, BE= 3, Characters= 2, Technical= 3
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sadir
Overall= 1, BE= 2, Characters= 2, Technical= 1
not a good story over all most areas of the story (scenes environment and characters) were far too undeveloped and other parts far to outrageous couldn't bring myself to finish the story. As a bit of advice make your story more developed and believable just because it has fantasy elements doesn't mean the world should be incredibly fake at least until something in the story changes it
Osef
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 1, Technical= 3
Not bad ! I like description on teasing between the 2 main character.
The story is quite well done. I don't like at all the character, i don't like at all red haired (but this is just my taste), and i don't like old girl too...So for me, the hero was simply hard to like. I don't understand also the fact that she was shy, but slut, etc... That's part is kinda messy, you should say "she is like this, but she is seen like this because of this" and stop, because there is an entire passage about that and it's repetitive and not so clear (but i'm not english native speaker so, it's maybe this too).
For the overall enjoyment, you get the thing! There is much more enjoyment when the character actually enjoy the process (of course). (Like in sex, the real enjoyment is to see the enjoyment of the partner, but i won't give a lesson...).
So many writer don't give real description, or paste it quickly, of the character enjoying the BE process.Her good feeling etc..
And you don't fail at it, that's cool, congrat for this. ;)
spanky13
Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
I forgot to mention this in the story's description. By no means do I consider myself a literary master. Switching tenses seems to plague my other writings as well. Also, if the story seems fast or less on character, I tried my best on that, but like I said I'm not in this to write actual books or to get paid. I just do this for fun. (And since there is an archive on BE, I decided to put it up for others to see if they like it). Also, the rest of the story will be less "dark", I guess.
Merkava_IV
Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 2, Technical= 1
Overall Enjoyment: 1. Couldn't get into the story, let alone finish it.
BE Discription: 1. Might have been there, but I never saw it because I couldn't get into the story.
Characters: 2. Started to develop, and thus the only reason you got a 2, as what I read was pretty stereo-typical.
Technical Quality: 1. Here is the reason I could not get into your story. You switch tenses (past and present) constantly. Very jarring, and by about page 2 just plain irritating, to the point where I didn't want to continue reading. You add words that don't work in the context you are using them in, creating awkward phrasing or just plain extra words. Again, irritating, and by page two, a total put off. Your use of paragraphs needs help, especially in dialog. It is very hard to follow who is talking naturally if the antagonist and protagonist are talking and reacting to conversation in the same paragraph multiple times.
By no means am I telling you to stop writing, I would never do that here on the TOB, as I think that people putting out quality erotica for free is a wonderful thing, especially if it's in a genre I like, but I highly reccomend that you get a proof reader, or even a copy editor to look over your work next time. And if you did that already, fire the one's you asked to do it for you.
Try again, please. I am sorry if there are any spelling or typographical errors, but I did this on the fly (no copy-paste from word here.)
Wakko
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
I defiantly want to see more from you but maybe in the sex scenes give multiple perspectives.
KV Vehemens
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 4
Fairly decent. I'm a fan of overall increased beauty and youth for women in stories so I liked this one a lot. Hope to see more of Heather's revenge (but not too dark revenge) :D.
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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