This is my second try at writing a breast expansion themed story, again, this was done at the request of a fan of mine. This one is, I think, better than my first, but I would still like to hear what people think.
Had to put it down after reading objectionable material. Would be very good if rewritten without incest and with older girls.
Very disturbing, man. You're a good writer, so I'd like to see an offering that does not feature incest crap. This could have been a 5 star story if you removed some of the creepy language.
I didn't really have a problem with the 13 year old in the story. It's not like there are pictures of an actual 13 year old girl doing these acts in the story. If you have a problem with it, change her age in your mind to 16 and her older sister to 18. The story works just as well.
First off, to the author, thanks for the contribution. I dug it, and am looking forward to the next upload. I like the pace of your stories, they just seem to end a bit quick though. Perhaps try something long form?
Secondly, for people who are so morally outraged over this story, DON'T READ IT! That simple! This site has an entire search category for non-consensual. Ummm.. yeah.. non-consensual sex is ummm.. rape.. and very illegal, and let's not examine the ethical issues behind modifying someone's mind or body without their explicit permission. Feel free to comment stomp everyone with a story that doesn't involve some sort of foul play.
This is a FANTASY SITE! If you want to take all these stories literarily, the majority of them are demeaning, disgusting, illegal and worthy of universal condemnation. But we all have our inner twisted side that needs satisfaction and an outlet. That's why we're here. And if you're truly still that offended, open the file, change the ages to 76, and go have your own private fantasy, knowing full well that the rest of us have better things to do than sit praying that the cops find you.
I have only one thing to add to the aforementioned comments. Yes, this is a fetish site.. but it's a Breast Expansion fetish site. To my knowledge, loli and kiddie porn do not HAVE fetish sites that exist legally, and -this- is not one of those sites. Please do not excuse illegal and what are generally morally reprehensible topics/fetishes that have NOTHING to do with B.E. in any form on the basis that this is a fetish site. It degrades and insults those of us who don't get off on pre-teens, and generally misses the whole point of the website. This is a haven for budding writers and those of us who appreciate a rather obscure fetish. IT IS NOT A KIDDIE PORN FETISH WEBSITE, and any nod to excusing that inclusion of topic here because of the general nature of this site is both absurd and unexcuseable.
That being said.. Critique:
Your writing style is overly descriptive, but not in the hoped-for way. If you think anyone here is reading this to be consistently reminded of eye color, for example, you may be pandering to the wrong audiance. Spend a little more time on the process, and a little less on repetitive details that actually detract from the flow of the story and the readers enjoyment.
I liked it! Got going quick enough, not too much stuff. Hey it did the trick for me. I would have liked a guy to be fucking them, but thats just me. & don't listen to that pedophilia thing. It doesn't hold water. They were all related, and this IS a fetish site.
Very original, though I suggest alot more proofreading; you should go over your final draft at least four times.
There are a few spelling errors that I think you could clean up by using word instead of a notepad to write your stories. It'll catch the spelling errors that pull the reader from the story.
The characters are a little flat, but that could be fixed by showing, rather than telling, us the details. For instance, instead of telling us that the girls are 16 and 13, show us mannerisms that suggest their age or describe them as teens. This gives the characters a bit of flexibility and a little more mystery, in my opinion.
As for the transformations and sex scenes: You provide a good amount of detail, but I do have two suggestions. One, try to use a variety of descriptors for the feelings to add depth to the images as well as to keep things from getting repetitive. By the time the Mom got involved I was sort of skimming. My other suggestion is one that I often find myself thinking (though to be fair, this is the first time I have actually commented). Pick what word you're going to use to describe the genitalia and stick with it. Switching between "snatch," "cunt," "sex," etc. just gets to the point where it starts to get silly.
I don't think that you're a horrible person for including underage girls so long as you keep it to fantasies and writing. Taboo subjects still have there place, especially on a fetish site, but be careful that your work can't be seen as breaking any laws, because you definitely don't want to have to deal with that.
Hope my comments are helpful and I hope you keep up the good work!
Disturbing and rather unpleasant.
Oh, for God's sake people, this is a *fetish* site, so we're not exactly in a position to judge other people for what they like; so long as he keeps the pedophilia in his stories and out of real life, let him write what he wants without giving him shit reviews just because you didn't like a couple things he included.
Pedo and incest aren't really my thing, but in a text-only story, it's also fortunately fairly easy for me to pretend they aren't there. The premise is an interesting idea that was kept consistent through the story, so points there. The process was also described fairly well. The characters seem a little flat, though, but it was otherwise a pretty good read.
I'd advise not to listen to the 'too young' comments. It's not my cup of tea, and I'd agree that it's not an act I would ever condone in reality. But a fetish is a fetish, and just as I wouldn't put my wife through boob jobs to make her breasts bigger, not everyone that reads porn with young characters is going to buy an ice cream truck and rape children.
Having said that, it's a fun short story that's generally well-written, and I'm always game for 'multiple' and 'weird' tags. :)
Too young....
Seriously.. the Pedophilia is just disgusting. Incest I can forgive, but not 13 year olds. I sincerely hope you edit and re-post this, that it's deleted, or you are arrested. One of the three.