Katherine went to tutor Mike in science, little did she know that he didn't need any help at all. The first day, the first hour. More chapters are written with many, many more codes to come. I'll post them those if I get feedback on this one.
Average Scores:
- Overall: 4.00
- BE: 3.18
- Characters: 4.36
- Technical: 4.00
Contre
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
I read this initially over at MCStories and the formating there was much better then the available here.
The story has great potential and I'd like to read more.
malepunker
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 4
great start more ag please
Alexbo
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
fantastic so far, hurry up with some more!!!
D
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
I like it. Cant wait for part 2. Love the AG thrown in to the story
bc
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
A fine start. a little more focus on person, and trasition and you'll have it nailed
Akillers
Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
Loving it! Let's see what happens next?!
jonny
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
please continue, i enjoyed it
D
Overall= 3, BE= 2, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
The point of view shift as others have said and the timeline seemed a little inconsistent. Otherwise a good base, looking forward to more.
PrBlahBlahtson
Overall= 3, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 3
You definitely have a good story to build from here, but there were a few of the things most people might consider "polish" that brought down the overall quality of the story.
It's clear that the format you wanted to use was something besides straight .txt. You had my pet peeve, the non-standard quotation marks, and you had also inserted HTML tags into the text. Standard TXT doesn't support those, but there are standard formats that will text formatting such as RTF. If you're using Windows XP, that's plain old WordPad. I'm not certain Vista has it, but I don't see why not. If you really want to be using bold and italic, you may want to use that format instead.
There were also the changes of person, as Job pointed out. I'm not sure, maybe you adapted this from a chat log? But every once in a while it would use "you" instead of the appropriate pronoun or name. A little something like that can be caught by a careful proof-reading, though, so it's easy to fix. It also would've caught the "to/too" early in the story.
That's all I'd recommend, though. Consider your format and proof-reading. Mind Alteration isn't really something I like, but you're approaching it subtly enough that it's easy to swallow. There wasn't really BE, but if the change at the end is any indication I think you'll do fine with the transformations in future stories.
I'm certainly looking forward to seeing more, either way.
Job
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
Good story, but there was a change of person in the middle that was distracting.
DrKnow
Overall= 4, BE= 2, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
Well written peice of work, looking forward to more actual BE in the future, please continue writing, your efforts are not going unnoticed!
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
Due to comment spam, any new posts with http in them will be destroyed.
