The Overflowing Bra

getting pierced by a priofsseonal doesn't mean everything's going to be perfect. i got my ears pierced priofsseonally when i was six and the woman pierced my left ear so low that to this day i can't wear hoop ear rings. i got my nose done priofsseonally and a pimple-like bump formed inside my nose around the piercing and eventually i let it grow shut. when i repierced it myself a few months later the bump came back but besides that everything was fine. funnily enough my tongue piercing is the only one that hasn't given me any problems.

This is a story I would recommend to become a love book indefinitely. Horror, Love, Sexual Fantasies, Anguish, it thrives! This is a great story for possibly generations to come, so consider gettig it published. I didn't know this site very well, but when I read your story, it was a breathtaking adventure! I can't wait to read book 2 of what will be a hopefuly fantastic series. There was some words accidentally typed wrong or twice, but its nothing that would totally throw off the reader (consider looking it over twice and three times next time) but in the end, it was an enjoyable read and was sadly only the 2nd of two love books I've read so far (the first being The Love Machine by Jacquiline Susan) although the first name I know I spelled wrong, I hope it would give you a close enough reference.
Mr. H out.

Loved it man. Very good.

Mr. Pratt:
You have written a fine horror/fantasy short story. I would recommend removing it from this site (to preserve your publication rights), toning down the BE elements, polishing the story with the assistance of beta readers, and submitting it to a more traditional venue or paying market for such fiction.

A better piece of sci-fi than is usually found on BE sites.  I almost recommend the previous comment that it should have the BE toned down and turned into regular Sci-Fi.  The reason I don't is that the combination of sex and extreme violence would make it impossible to publish in any non-internet form.  Also, the body modification is critical to some of the characters, so it would be difficult to remove a significant amount of that to make things more mainstream.  That said, I would actually want to have an increase in the BE descriptions so it would be more appealing for the audience around here.
My only criticisms: the speed of the zombie character does not seem to match what is written about it.  It is stated to be moving slowly and then it somehow catches someone or blocks their way to a door.  That is a bit of a zombie-movie cliche that has never made sense.  Also, the end with stage directions is out of tone with the rest of the story.  Write a normal (prose?) ending paragraph that you like and save the stage descriptions in the event you have someone that wants to shoot the script later.  These are nit-picky criticisms that are only worthwhile because your story is good enough to warrant the best polish and shine possible.
Warning to readers: this really is horror.  I particularly like the way some of the violence is kept "off-screne" lone enough to build tension in the reader's mind before it is reavealed.
P.S.  Where does Beth's new body come from in the end?  It did not seem clear when I read through the first time.  What is the status of her friends?  Was anybody rescued?

Excellent story and plot. Only recommendation would be to Fresh out/Tone up the BE/sex elements.

I admit you've got a talent of keeping people interested in something. Good story, I hope to see more of your work in the future.

Your story was excellent.  A good story that you had obviouly put a lot of thought and time into.
The last few pages was such a turn around it caught be completely by surprise.
Keep it up.