The Definitive BE Story Archive

The Overflowing Bra

Dill Co. - Emily and Steph Part 1 Revised
This is a revision of the original. Hopefully it is better. Thanks to everyone for their feedback. Part two is in the works however it will be relased based on reponce.
Average Scores:

Overall= 3, BE= 2, Characters= 3, Technical= 3

Much, much better job this time around. I'd still like to see more details on the BE and possibly why the two girls were so focused on weight loss. My suggestion is to write up all of the parts you had in mind and then post it as one story.

Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

Adding more detail to BE would be awesome, overall really good story. A little more depth into the character's lives would be cool also. Good work.

Overall= 3, BE= 2, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

Firstly, sorry I didn't comment on the first incarnation of the story. I'd really hate to see you stop writing for lack of feedback because you have a knack for writing. Adding the little intros to each character was a really good touch, it grounded the personalities for me. Making them really sound like a whinging teenager who will do anything to get their "perfect body" might not seem important at times, but it is detail like this that adds flavour to all writing. All your scenes really have "feeling" (for lack of a better word) and I quite liked this second incarnation...I would suggest a bit more length in each scene perhaps...I guess it depends on your preference but I like a longer exploration of the feelings (both physical and emotional) of the character during and after the changes that occur. On a final note, you need to check your grammar a little bit, occasionally you have typos that the spell-checker doesn't pick up!

Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 3

Better but you still aren't done. It looks like two or three more rewrites. Folks here are willing to help (well at least I am) so DO IT. Dark Stars idea of telling the whole story in one episode is a good one. It will help you get the full structure in your mind. This isn't a writing group but if we won't help writers do what we would like to see we won't keep getting enough good work.

So do it as many times as needed, do it publicly (if you think it will help) and do it all in one episode and keep writing and publishing. It takes A LOT of bad pages before you start to get good.

You do seem to have both desire and talent.

Overall= 4, BE= 2, Characters= 3, Technical= 4

You've got some great raw talent from what I can see. I wholeheartedly agree with DarkHeart, more detail/description of the BE would make the story even better, as would the description as to why the two girls are so obsessed with weight loss. You have the mom saying that Emily doesn't need it... be more descriptive as to how the characters view their own bodies.

Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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Rate this story from 1-5 stars (5 stars is best) in the following categories:

Overall Enjoyment(How much did you like the story overall?)
1 2 3 4 5

BE Description (Detail, quantity, quality)
1 2 3 4 5

Characters (Descriptions, likeability)
1 2 3 4 5

Technical Quality (Writing style, grammar, etc.)
1 2 3 4 5

Your comments on the story: