The Definitive BE Story Archive

The Overflowing Bra

Straight Cut
The First Transcendence
This is my first story. I tried to correct the problems I see with the stories I read on here. Feel free to send me ideas or input to my email:
Average Scores:

Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1
Running commentary as I read... 

Freckles dont pock your arm.  It makes no sense to have a frecklepocked anything.  It literally means that the freckles have caused bumps andor holes in the skin, which is gross sounding, and means someone needs to see a doctor ASAP... because you have cancer, or a flesh eating bacteria or something.

Bold on exhausted resignation.  Why?  It YELLS to me in my head, when such a feeling should be one of soft sadness.

What am I even doing would not chirp in your head.  Bad adjective use.

OKAY, first paragraph done, and Im already annoyed.

All her friends had completed their roles in society

One does not complete your role in society.  You FIND it, you maybe ACHIEVE it, but one does not COMPLETE it while youre still alive.

Sperm fucked sounds like youre using the sperm as the object by which you are being fucked... like an adverb.  There is an unnecessarily jarring transition from mild normal stuff to suddenly raunchy in that line as well.  It really disturbs the flow, especially with the strange word choice.

In fact, this whole line get sperm fucked into their steaming cunts by big sexy animals and grow them into children to feed.

That throws everything into absolute chaos for me.

big sexy animals?  Is this a furry porn story?  Are we referring to men in some metaphorical sense here?  You are maybe setting up some really strange expectations for the story here that perhaps you arent realizing.

And growing them into children?  Are they plants?  Is child growing something you do in a garden here?  Seriously... your use of metaphor is really fucking strange.

Okay, at this point I have had enough.

The main lesson here is this... Dont be a fucking cockhead in your story description, accusing other authors of making mistakes and attempting to FIX those mistakes... when you can barely write at a level one would expect from a teen in high school.
Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 2, Technical= 2
  Im disappointed by the lack of proofreading or use of the automatic spell checker as there were numerous grammatical problems that Word picked up on and I was unable to finish reading as it was a bit too jarring.

I was confused by the use of font size 20 and I had to use the word version to adjust the font down to a more reasonable size.

The opening is slightly confusing and struggles to provide context for her sudden emotional perspective change.  Who is this powerful creature that can mold her to his whim? the Devil? A reality twister? I apologize if that is explained at the end.

Overall, not too bad for a first try but some proofreading and context building will help with the flow and immersion.
Overall= 2, BE= 3, Characters= 1, Technical= 3
Whoof, that first page, you could just feel the blatant misogyny that inspired this story just wafting off these pages. It almost made me stop reading. 

Once I kept going, though, I found that the writing was adequate, but definitely lacking in substance. There's literally no plot here. The entire story is just woman wants to get transformed, and then is transformed. There's no context or premise, and absolutely no character. This is just a pure fuckfest with nothing more really going for it, so I can't really see much reason for anyone to read this outside of not having anything else to read. Good luck fixing things for next time.
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
A.  You have a vision, and it is AMAZING.  Seriously, this is one of the most creative pieces of erotic fiction I have ever read, and it is erotic!  The absolute follow through, the clarity of purpose, the implied fiction outside the text, I love what you did with this story.

My main feedback would be that you should say something about the story in your description  for this forum, you might mention that fa gets more attention than be.  The better you let people know what they're in for, the fewer confused, negative reviews you'll get.  tagwise, weird is missing, and I don't think chem applies.  

Secondarily, there's very little attention paid to character or motivation.  Basically, I think this is not much of a problem as the point of this story is the fucking and the transformations, the master's power, etc., however, emotions can enhance these more concrete elements.

Grammar issues comprise an area of tertiary concern.  Put it down and read it over a day later and you should catch more errors.

In summary, I absolutely loved your story.  Haters gonna hate.  Write what turns you on.  You have a very unusual voice, and I hope you post more stories here!!!!
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 3, Technical= 4
Honestly. I agree with MikePHX and have nothing else to say. 
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
Loved it. This is exactly what the story community has been missing the past few years. Just straight gratuitous expansion and good fucking. Don't listen to the artsy snobs that complain about misogyny and story development. That's not what we're here for. Don't let their reviews deter you. Looking forward to more. 
Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1
hot garbarge
Overall= 4, BE= 2, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
Dont listen to the hate here.  I think its a great story, with good ideas and lots of transformation.  Its not very focused on BE, and there are other transformation sites where maybe other people would like them more.  But anyway, you had a good overall plot, filled with descriptive and sexual transformations, way more than are even classified here.  The writing isnt awful as others are saying, but it could use some improvement.  Fat and fecund are overused. You have a lot of things like more and more and more that are distracting and better left off.  And the sentence structures could use some work, especially the something AND something AND something AND something writing.  But I liked the story and definitely think its worthy of a rewrite.  Not bad for first attempt.  Maybe clean it up, and make it a little longer or multipart?  Everything happens pretty fast.
Roid Abuser
Overall= 3, BE= 4, Characters= 2, Technical= 3
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 3
I liked it. It ticked a lot of the boxes I enjoy and I like your descriptions. Only complaint is a bit more of a story would have been better. I liked the idea of her wanting to be this kind of housewife, but then thats not really where it went. Anyways, I hope you write more.
Overall= 2, BE= 3, Characters= 2, Technical= 3
Something of a mess, to be honest. I am curious what problems you see this story as correcting  perhaps theres not enough wanton facefucking and raging misogyny for your tastes?
Overall= 2, BE= 3, Characters= 1, Technical= 1
Kind of a mess, really. Flat characters, lacking narrative, full 180 flip of main character personality, no explanation whatsoever for whats going on... and whats up with all the bold text? Are you trying to emulate a comic book caption style, or what?
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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