This is my first story. I tried to correct the problems I see with the stories I read on here. Feel free to send me ideas or input to my email: email@example.com
Dont listen to the hate here. I think its a great story, with good ideas and lots of transformation. Its not very focused on BE, and there are other transformation sites where maybe other people would like them more. But anyway, you had a good overall plot, filled with descriptive and sexual transformations, way more than are even classified here. The writing isnt awful as others are saying, but it could use some improvement. Fat and fecund are overused. You have a lot of things like more and more and more that are distracting and better left off. And the sentence structures could use some work, especially the something AND something AND something AND something writing. But I liked the story and definitely think its worthy of a rewrite. Not bad for first attempt. Maybe clean it up, and make it a little longer or multipart? Everything happens pretty fast.
Running commentary as I read... rnrnFreckles dont pock your arm. It makes no sense to have a frecklepocked anything. It literally means that the freckles have caused bumps andor holes in the skin, which is gross sounding, and means someone needs to see a doctor ASAP... because you have cancer, or a flesh eating bacteria or something.rnrnBold on exhausted resignation. Why? It YELLS to me in my head, when such a feeling should be one of soft sadness.rnrnWhat am I even doing would not chirp in your head. Bad adjective use.rnrnOKAY, first paragraph done, and Im already annoyed.rnrnrnrnAll her friends had completed their roles in societyrnrnOne does not complete your role in society. You FIND it, you maybe ACHIEVE it, but one does not COMPLETE it while youre still alive.rnrnSperm fucked sounds like youre using the sperm as the object by which you are being fucked... like an adverb. There is an unnecessarily jarring transition from mild normal stuff to suddenly raunchy in that line as well. It really disturbs the flow, especially with the strange word choice.rnrnIn fact, this whole line get sperm fucked into their steaming cunts by big sexy animals and grow them into children to feed.rnrnThat throws everything into absolute chaos for me.rnrnbig sexy animals? Is this a furry porn story? Are we referring to men in some metaphorical sense here? You are maybe setting up some really strange expectations for the story here that perhaps you arent realizing.rnrnAnd growing them into children? Are they plants? Is child growing something you do in a garden here? Seriously... your use of metaphor is really fucking strange.rnrnOkay, at this point I have had enough.rnrnThe main lesson here is this... Dont be a fucking cockhead in your story description, accusing other authors of making mistakes and attempting to FIX those mistakes... when you can barely write at a level one would expect from a teen in high school.
I liked it. It ticked a lot of the boxes I enjoy and I like your descriptions. Only complaint is a bit more of a story would have been better. I liked the idea of her wanting to be this kind of housewife, but then thats not really where it went. Anyways, I hope you write more.
Something of a mess, to be honest. I am curious what problems you see this story as correcting perhaps theres not enough wanton facefucking and raging misogyny for your tastes?
Kind of a mess, really. Flat characters, lacking narrative, full 180 flip of main character personality, no explanation whatsoever for whats going on... and whats up with all the bold text? Are you trying to emulate a comic book caption style, or what?
rnIm disappointed by the lack of proofreading or use of the automatic spell checker as there were numerous grammatical problems that Word picked up on and I was unable to finish reading as it was a bit too jarring.rnrnI was confused by the use of font size 20 and I had to use the word version to adjust the font down to a more reasonable size.rnrnThe opening is slightly confusing and struggles to provide context for her sudden emotionalperspective change. Who is this powerful creature that can mold her to his whim? the Devil? A reality twister? I apologize if that is explained at the end.rnrnOverall, not too bad for a first try but some proofreading and context building will help with the flow and immersion.