This is the Prologue for the newest Novella I a working on. I'd like to say I have a Muse for this, but this time around I think it's largely my own sick and twisted mind at work. It's the story of Natalie, an succubus with a concience, and her attempt to rise back to grace. The BE is off stage in the prologue, but I promise it will be better as the story continues. PLEASE GIVE FEEDBACK, AND DON'T POST A COMMENT IF YOU AREN'T MATURE ENOUGH TO OWN UP TO IT.
sicko
You are such a loser.
Beyond a loser.
Your writing sucks.
You suck as a human being.
You are unhappy with your flat chested frump of a wife so you come back to me and then run again? I hope she reads then and then changes the locks to the house while you are a work.
pretty good story though, sometimes I couldn't follow along as much as I normaly can with some stories but, I might just be being weird º_º oh well good story :)
The basic premise is ripped off of "What about a bus?," which is miles ahead of this.
Punctuation and grammar can save a bad story, or sink a good one. Thank you for respecting the English language. That being said, I look forward to the next installment.
Overall Enjoyment: 3
I thought it was a good story but not one I will remember next week.
BE Description: 2
I reserve 1's for complete lack of BE. It was offstage and barely described, but I'm looking forward to more.
Characters: 5
Good inner monologue, clearly defined motives. Not much development but its a short story and I assume more to come.
Technical Quality: 5
This is an excellent benchmark for stories from a technical standpoint. Sequence of events is clear, word choice avoids repetition. Physical setup is easy to understand. Sentences are above a second grade reading level. Obviously proof-read several times and I applaud it.Avoid preemptively calling out people for bad ratings. It brings out trolls. Saying "Comment about what you liked and what you would like to see, maybe I'll add it" will give much better feedback and enthusiasm. It's human nature.
People that post all 5's to "balance" out ratings shouldn't be doing that at all. If someone doesn't like a story its their opinion, no need to be a hero and try to fix it.
Very nice start. I like the premise. I am interested to see where the character development goes. Wondering if she actually falls for someone, yet must deal with the conundrum of wanting to be with them but not being able to without hurting them. Either way, more please.
Sorry, I'm not owning up to it though. You understand.
Overall enjoyment:
Despite the ALL-CAPS, it was a decent beginning. ALL-CAPS is generally assumed rude and antagonizing (think yelling) in internet etiquette. Much remains to see if the story develops well.Be Description:
While offstage was as valid a tag as any, the fact that the BE supposedly happens prior to the prologue (the beginning of the story) It's fair to say there wasn't even any offstage BE in this (segment of the) story. (where the person can contrast the changes.)Characters:
The main character is a bit disingenuous in ultimately killing the mark, because in the end nothing is learned. There's only surface thoughts that don't provide any insight into why the main character truly acts the way she does.Technical Quality:
The italic font used caused some eyestrain.
Good job. As echoed in the previous comments there were a few grammar errors but the excellent formatting more than made up for it (So nice to read stories done with proper paragraphs, and in adobe no less). I too would have liked to see more BE but your physical descriptions were EXCELLENT which is why I gave a 4 for BE. I'd definitely like to see more of this novella.
IMHO I think putting "PLEASE GIVE FEEDBACK, AND DON'T POST A COMMENT IF YOU AREN'T MATURE ENOUGH TO OWN UP TO IT." in your description was setting yourself up to get just that sort of thing; there are smoother ways to ask for feedback.
Wow. Some times I wonder why I even post my stuff here at all. All I was trying to say is, I do this for free, and all I want is some feedback. And a name to tie comments to. People call me immature for wanting so little for so much of my free time invested. I could be working a second job for fucks sake. Sheesh.
I didnt bother reading this due to the description. It is clear where the issue of maturity lies.
A few technical mistakes as already pointed out, other than that though a good start to a story that seems to have a lot of potential like your other stories and i hope you choose to continue it(though also as already pointed out yelling at people in all caps in your description will only turn people away).
It leaves me wanting when the BE occurs off-stage, but definitely made-up for that by doing a great job describing the main character's body and mental state.
It was a good story. I look forward to more. Two grammer issues I feel I must point out though: near the beginning of the italicized part you used the wrong their and you said started twice when they started the porche.
All 5's to balance out the Idiot.
It is well written, and wets the readers apetite for more. I hope you wil post the novella soon.
I must admit that i like Succubus/Demon stories. I don't particularly like the ones where they hurt good people, but this one looks promising.
I hope she will find love and satisfaction in the end, without having to "drain" her loved one. But however you write the story, I will be reading it.
Keep up the good work
I did not particularly care for it. I am "owning up" to my comment. And yelling at us in ALL CAPS makes you look like an idiot.
You're a twit.
I liked it. I admit that I have a weakness for a succubus seeking redemption since they are neither sons of Adam nor demons and each one must achieve it through t her individual efforts.
I'll gladly read the novella.
Good story, I only down rated the BE because as stated in the posted comment its off scene and there's very little of it. Its an interesting take on what would be considered an Anti-hero.