The Definitive BE Story Archive

The Overflowing Bra

Rayuen's Journey: Axetara's Downfall Part One (OBE)
Hypnotia, begins her infiltration of The Organization, in her attempt to find whether Rayuen is alive or not.
Part one of three. (Edited from previous version)
Average Scores:

Overall= 2, BE= 1, Characters= 2, Technical= 1

While you have a good premise (I've just read through your entire series, but figured give my entire comment here as it's the most recent), there's issues that keep your stories from being good. First suggestion, please, please get a proofreader, there are quite a few grammatical errors in your writing and it greatly detracts from the story.
Secondly, get rid of the boxes with details, try to describe what the person is detecting by actual descriptions, the boxes make it feel too much like a video game. If I want a video game, I'll go play a random computer game, while I'm not sure how your other readers feel about it, but I personally want my stories to remain as stories. Stories based on games are fine, just use actual descriptions, it'll make your writing stronger and give the reader a better idea of what's going on instead of throwing a stat block at them (I for one just skipped them, then realized they were semi-important for description info). The boxes break up the flow of the story and is the sign of a lazy writer.
Thirdly, you seemed to have inserted the breast growth as an afterthought to fit the story onto this board. While that isn't too terrible, try to work on the description a bit better.
My last point somewhat ties into the first and that's your writing style, which seems very erratic. Again, a proofreader will help enormously.

My final suggestion is to take a creative writing workshop, you can usually find one at a local college. If there is a charge it's generally minimal, or check around the BEA forums to see if anyone is willing to proofread for you.

Hope these suggestions help, and I will look forward to future parts of the story if some of the issues are addressed. :)

Overall= 2, BE= 2, Characters= 2, Technical= 1

DarkHeart is right on the money. Before you go further with this, I implore you, STOP. Stop stop stop. STOP what you are doing. Go back and take a good hard look at what you've done so far. If you picked up a book with this many spelling and grammar errors, would you read it? Would your favorite novel have been improved if, instead of physically describing the characters, it suddenly broke out into a grid defining them in X-zillion different ways? You need to completely rethink this project from the beginning. First, what is the purpose of this series? Is it an action story with some erotica, is it primarily a stroke story, a power fantasy, or what? Right now it just sort of maunders in and out and we don't know or care about anyone, so there is no sense of danger or anything at risk. There is no excitement in the action scenes because we don't feel there's anything at stake. There's no eroticism in the erotic scenes because we are not privy to the feelings of the characters in any coherent way. I think that's probably the best way to sum up this story: it is completely incoherent. It has no idea what to do and certainly doesn't do it well. Get someone you trust to edit the living crap out of this thing and start again from part 1.

Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
Due to comment spam, any new posts with http in them will be destroyed.
Your Nickname:

Rate this story from 1-5 stars (5 stars is best) in the following categories:

Overall Enjoyment(How much did you like the story overall?)
1 2 3 4 5

BE Description (Detail, quantity, quality)
1 2 3 4 5

Characters (Descriptions, likeability)
1 2 3 4 5

Technical Quality (Writing style, grammar, etc.)
1 2 3 4 5

Your comments on the story: