The DNActive Research Institute/Thinktank
                                                 5 Beachfront Way
                                                 San Bahama
                                                 West Indies

Derrick Oil, Inc.
Office of the Executive Director
Wilhelm, East Dakota

Dear Sir:
     First of all, our sympathies for your recent legal troubles.  We at the 
institute believe that we have a solution to your financial dilemma which 
may prove mutually beneficial.  I shall get right to the matter without 
mincing words.  We are now in possession of the means to produce an 
organic additive to petroleum which will enable the average car to achieve, 
by our estimates, approximately five hundred and thirty-six miles to the 
gallon.  These estimates are crude and you certainly will wish to run your 
own tests with the enclosed sample, but no doubt the order of magnitude 
has gotten your attention.
     You may well ask why we approach your company rather than one of 
the major corporations.  We believe that our thought process shall be made 
clear by the end of this correspondence.  Obviously we have every reason 
to believe that the major companies of your industry will attempt to 
suppress our discovery rather than to begin production, and for this reason 
we would ask for your absolute discretion at least until such time as any 
arrangements between us are finalized and production begun.  In spite of 
your size, however, your location is ideally suited to remain overlooked 
until such time as production is well underway, a customer base 
established, and the subsequent media attention working to your benefit 
against your better-resourced rivals.  We trust that you appreciate the 
irony of the media's having this role in revitalizing your corporation, 
considering your recent past.
     It must be stressed that the discovery of this additive came about by 
pure chance.  If you have heard of our facility, you will know that we use 
the latest in gene-identification and splicing technology in an attempt to 
eliminate various diseases, mainly viral or genetic, which are at present 
considered incurable.  These humanitarian efforts have, as has your own 
industry, been met with nothing but frustration by the multitude of 
government agencies which make virtually any business in our native 
country so impossible these days as regards productivity.  Unlike 
yourselves, our operation is compact enough so that it could be relocated to 
this Caribbean island well outside the intrusive and hyper-redundant 
glares of government busybodies.  I trust I need not dredge up the tired 
old stories of the cancer scandal and how many unfortunate victims fell to 
that pervasive disease during the decade in which the Philadelphia 
Institute's cure lay idle on the FDA shelves.  However, an inattentive 
perusal of the enclosed videotape would obviously lend itself to 
misrepresentation, so again we must stress your discretion for the time 
being.
     Allow us to talk you through the events you are witnessing.
     Lest my remarks be considered libelous at some later date, I must 
stress that the attractive blonde research assistant on the far right, while 
only in her early twenties, had in fact received not only a medical degree 
from a certain prestigious east-coast medical university, but also a 
separate PhD in mutagenic medicinal research.  As the tape begins, we 
have just finished a detailed genetic antigen analysis of the dog on the 
medical table.  I must stress that this operation did not harm the animal in 
any way, but was only undertaken in the hopes that an analysis of the 
genes responsible for the production of certain canine antibodies might 
allow us to treat an obscure disease in homo sapiens.  Note that the 
research assistant in question is not near the dog in any way but is 
analyzing the readouts which her colleagues are obtaining through their 
invasive scan.  Through an unfortunate blunder of a since-dismissed 
anesthesiologist, the dog regained consciousness during the operation, and 
in the resulting confusing one of the examiners bumped into the gene-
altering device which was being utilized to make subtle alterations to the 
canine's endocrine system.  The hands you see protruding on the front of 
the device from offscreen are my own in an awkward attempt to steady 
the device.  I must stress again that this moment could easily be 
misconstrued, but I believe that a freeze-frame analysis will vindicate my 
version of events.
     The only immediate result, apparently, was that the research assistant 
was knocked unconscious for several minutes.  A thorough but ordinary 
physical revealed no damage, and we did not immediately make the 
connection that the focusing device on the gene-alterer had been 
momentarily aimed in her direction.  Several days passed before the 
research assistant, making a stray comment to another, more callow female 
(the receptionist, not one of our medical personnel), noted that her breasts 
seemed a little bigger.  The receptionist proceeded to spread the story to 
virtually everyone at the institute in the form of a vicious rumor that the 
research assistant was pregnant.
     Because the next crucial scene was conducted in secret, we have no 
videotape of it to include on the cassette, but what happened is as follows.  
I must stress that I cannot condone the research assistant's behavior in 
any way and that she acted without our knowledge or consent.  On the 
philosophical side, it may be noted without libel that even the most 
intelligent, credentialed woman remains, after all, a woman, with all the 
unique baggage of her gender.  Once again, lest I be misconstrued, I should 
add that no doubt we males have our own baggage, and were the 
circumstances reversed - if you understand me - no doubt you or I might 
be tempted to the sort of furtive activity to which she resorted.
     The data from the canine's operation and the subsequent accident was 
all recorded in the computer, though we had not thought to make use of it 
and had not at this point made the connection to the accident, being 
persuaded by the rumor that she was indeed pregnant and had been for 
some time, explaining the resulting breast growth, which was certainly not 
of observable dimensions... at least while she remained clothed, which is of 
course the only manner in which we had seen her at that point, the 
exception in our minds being whichever of our staff stood implicitly 
accused of fathering her supposed fetus.  At all events, she must have 
spent several days analyzing the data in secret with an end to repeating 
the operation... obviously to more observable dimensions.  The irony of 
course is that she was not particularly underendowed in the beginning, as 
the first scene makes evident even through her medical garb, but this is 
the aforementioned weakness of the female at work again, perhaps.
     We pick up the videotape in the next sequence, after her furtive 
operations.  You will note that she is quite evidently strapped down and 
screaming profanities at the researchers who are attempting to reverse the 
process.  Although her remarks have been edited out for decency's sake, I 
can personally assure you that her ramblings were incoherent and 
hysterical.  These were not the actions of a woman who quite sanely feared 
the loss of her new breast-size.  We certainly would not have attempted to 
cure such a beneficial side-effect unless there were other, more malignant 
side-effects which justified the risks of unknown experimentation on a 
human female.  When it was ascertained that she had no contactable next-
of-kin, it was decided that the urgency of treatment and her mental 
condition justified the risks of experimentation.  Following a computer 
model of the projected cause-effect sequence of the gene-alteration, we 
attempted to undo the genetic damage.  Her clothing obviously needed to 
be removed to the waist for the operation once she was strapped in so that 
any immediate side-effects could be observed, but apparently in her 
unstable mental condition she was only capable of understanding the 
disrobing as some sort of sexual assault, adding to the furious resistance 
depicted on-screen.  One of my colleagues is concerned that her eyes may 
suggest, in his words, a "look of intelligence", perhaps better termed a "look 
of sanity", and while I personally see no such "look" myself (I am perhaps 
biased by the reality of what I witnessed), he wishes it emphasized that 
she was indeed in urgent need of medical attention due to the side-effects 
of the endocrine changes upon her brain.  We at the institute have nothing 
against breast enlargement *per se*, and it would no doubt be as 
financially tempting as was the actual outcome of these events.
     I must stress that we were experimenting.  Gene-alteration is, as you 
know, a relatively new science and - had she not been driven insane - the 
research assistant herself might well have gone on to become one of its 
rising stars, having graduated with honors.  (Incidentally, you will note 
that I do not risk naming her here, but the briefest websearch of graduates 
and their resumes will allow you to deduce her identity.)  As you are 
undoubtedly aware, the alteration of genes is not an exact science, and 
even duplicating the procedure would be variable enough, let alone 
reversing it.  We of course knew with a fair degree of certainty the state to 
which we wished to restore her genes, even though her birth-genotype 
was not on our records.  (Lest I again be misconstrued as disingenuous, I 
must stress that her furtive duplication of the procedure was a lucky 
accident.  If indeed it was precisely duplicated, for after the initial accident 
she showed no observable mental deterioration whatsoever.  As to trusting 
the receptionist - since discharged - this too is in the nature of females, 
especially since they were the only two females in our employ.)  As you 
will observe on the tape, she is eventually sedated and the 
experimentation begins.  As this portion of the tape ends, she is released 
into a comfortable holding area in which she would be incapable of hurting 
herself.
     As the third recorded session clearly indicates, our attempts to reverse 
the process only succeeded in producing an effective third dose.  You will 
note that she enters wearing only a bathrobe, for she clearly will no longer 
fit into any of her blouses.  It had been suggested that the largest women's 
brassieres or bikini tops would still fit her, but by this point the 
receptionist had been discharged and naturally we males modestly 
declined to go shopping for 40-plus inch apparel.  Note that her attempts 
to resist as she is again disrobed and strapped in clearly speak to her 
disturbed mental state, now even more pronounced.
     You yourself may peruse the successive experimentation sessions at 
your leisure.  It must be stressed that in each session, our approach to the 
problem was once again radically altered, but the same effect always 
resulted:  an increase in breast size.  By the fifth session you will note that 
we no longer need to mute her verbalizations, as she only stares at us 
quietly and cries.  It is doubtful that she was aware of much of anything 
by this point; at least all self-awareness surely was long gone.  You will 
note that from the fourth session onward, no attempts were made to clothe 
her at all any longer, and whatever concerns may have remained in her 
brain certainly did not give priority to modesty.  Note that her breasts 
require physical support from our assistants by this time.  From the sixth 
session onward, you will note that the treatments take place in the holding 
area where she must now be perpetually restrained - owing to occasional 
outbursts of relative clarity.  By the eighth session she no longer requires 
restraint, being pinned to the floor by her inhumanly large mammaries, 
now measured at two feet each in diameter.  By the twelfth session her 
breasts rest comfortably on the floor and she has resorted to standing at 
all times.  Enclosed at the proper point is footage of her sleeping, to 
illustrate that her only means of relaxation is to lean on her quite 
immobile breasts.  By the fourteenth session you will note that her 
mammaries have outgrown the comfort of the room and she has been 
moved to an underground holding arena of considerably greater size.  She 
is by this point, of course, quite incapable of independent movement.  
Upon moving her, it was decided that the cumbersome ritual of feeding her 
should give way to a perpetual "feeding tube" kept down her throat at all 
times, and removed only for our ongoing sessions in which we still 
attempted to reverse the process.  By this point, of course, we had long 
despaired of restoring her sanity, but the reduction of her body to human 
dimensions was, of course, the only humane course.  After three sessions in 
the holding arena, we finally abandoned our work awaiting further 
medical developments.
     In order to fully support the above testimony, you will note that no 
attempts are made to censor her speech in the last three sessions.  For 
following a non-verbal period in the treatments (only superficially 
resembling ordinary despair) she has by the end reverted to inhuman 
grunts resembling, according to our resident anthropologist, the speech of 
the early primates.  Philological research conducted almost whimsically via 
the internet by one of our researchers revealed that the oft-muttered 
word (which you will observe, now comprises most of her vocabulary) 
"fukual" is remarkably similar to an Indo-European word widely believed 
to mean "help."  Alas, we were of course unable to grant this request, for 
all attempts to experiment were now undeniably only exacerbating the 
problem.  There was also the concern that further loss of faculties might 
resort in coma or even brain death.  In all events, as our anthropologist 
observed, this reversion to a long-dead stone age language would 
undoubtedly cause the re-evaluation of all understood patterns of speech 
and language development, were you or we less discreet.
     I must backtrack in order to explain the next level of our 
understanding of the situation.  At first, of course, we had no reason to 
believe that her bodily secretions would be in any way affected by the 
transformation, and indeed she was according to all available data a virgin 
at the time of the accident... at least our examinations revealed with 
certitude that she has never been pregnant.  So we had no cause to study 
her merely theoretical lactic emissions.  Eventually it came to our attention 
that during her still-fairly desirable phase, one of our ancillary staff 
(bringing her food and sponge-bathing her) had been abusing her 
disgracefully.  She was certainly penetrated on at least one occasion, but it 
seems the preferatory form of abuse naturally took the form of breast-
fondling.  Eventually, he was overheard by our researchers commenting to 
another member of the ancillary staff saying (in effect) that his oral 
stimulation of her breasts had finally produced results, but that her milk 
was increasingly sour after each operation.  Both men were immediately 
dismissed and we made little of this side-effect at the time, though we did 
of course proceed to study what would otherwise have been her lactose.
     Only after all experimentation had stopped was the independent 
observation made that some kind of mechanical milking might at least 
reduce her discomfort and might even have unforeseen positive side-
effects (though no causal connection was ever explicitly formulated) 
toward reversing the process manually to some degree. And so you will 
note on the final section of the tape that experimentation has stopped and:
     (1) The feeding tube is inserted permanently down her throat.  It was 
decided that gravity-feed was most efficient, so the discomfort - if any she 
is still capable of understanding - of her head being forced up was not 
considered a sufficient liability, though again this could be misconstrued as 
inhumane.  It has been remarked that unless her head were forced back, 
she would indeed quickly suffocate on her own breasts barring some sort 
of breathing apparatus additionally installed... which might indeed 
malfunction at any time and kill her before we could remove it.
     (2) Mechanical milking devices have been attached to her massive 
nipples.  She is not milked non-stop but her metabolism (now almost 
exclusively geared for such production) can support, on the average, about 
eighteen hours of milking per day.  The conflict between humanitarian and 
practical concerns - preventing further gorging of her breasts - eventually 
resolved itself on a fourteen hour per day milking schedule.  I must also 
stress that every experimentation in her diet was made to prevent the 
production of milk, but to little positive effect.  It must also be stressed 
that at this point the term "milk" is a massive misnomer, as will be noted 
below.
     At first we were led only by the practical need to answer the question 
as to how to dispose of her copious secretions.  Even on an island as free 
from intrusive regulation as San Bahama, the disposal of such massive 
quantities would lead to awkward questions by the authorities... which 
would ultimately impact negatively not only upon our institute's other 
studies but upon our ability to care for and hopefully to cure her someday.  
We are at present undertaking makeshift provisions, but these cannot 
much longer escape notice.
     I shall not go into the bizarre details of how it was first discovered that 
the organic compound now issuing from her breasts could, when combined 
with gasoline in the proper proportions, improve its fuel-efficiency on the 
impressive scale described above... except to say that it involved a twisted 
series of accidental (and here and there almost obscene) occurrences, 
making the find not only fortuitous but positively miraculous (on the order 
of Fleming's moldy bread).  I can only assure you that we were performing 
no experiments on the substance's usefulness and would not have dreamed 
of performing complex theoretical computations on its organic structure.  
Indeed, we have no such expert on hydrocarbons on staff at the moment, 
as would surely be necessary.
     It should in all honesty be noted (lest you find out from other sources 
later) that exhaustive research has since revealed an obscure (and not 
well-regarded) Russian scientist who some years ago published an article 
in an even more obscure Russian journal detailing his belief that a slight 
change of the genes controlling the female endocrine system would result 
in "lactic" emissions resembling complex hydrocarbons.  Needless to say, 
we (and the rest of the scientific community, it seems) were totally 
unaware of his computations.  I must stress that his work was entirely 
theoretical and he seems not even to have possessed a respectable degree 
of any kind.  I bring the matter up only because the internet-journal-
system (since encompassing Russia) allows journalists access to even the 
most obscure and crankish publications and our find could easily be wildly 
misconstrued.  (Certainly the Huxleyan Totalitarianism currently enforced 
by the Russian state would have pursued his reasoning were it thought at 
all respectable.  A careful study of our humane experiments and his 
calculations will reveal that the mechanisms involved are only 
superficially similar, and that it seems his work remains largely 
discredited in spite of the coincidence.  Apparently his incompetence 
caused a fall from favor and banishment to the Pleasure Gulag, which, it 
must be noted, remains a remarkably efficient - if ruthless - way of 
neutralizing intelligent dissidents, since they will shortly not even desire 
escape.)  This coincidence has been belabored enough.
     We therefore propose the contractualization of the following 
arrangement: namely, the exportation to your country and company of the 
substance as a fuel additive, in exchange for 30% of the profits from the 
process.  If this seems a cold and expedient necessity, I should point out 
that the additional funds will enable us to cure the unfortunate young 
lady.  If we are ever successful, of course, it must be understood that your 
source will "dry up", so to speak, but by then you will undoubtedly be the 
world's leading petroleum corporation anyway.  Not often do humanitarian 
concerns and the profit motive so elegantly combine, it should be noted.  
However, a cure does not seem forthcoming at this time, sadly.
     Should you agree to this business dealing, please contact our offices 
within the month and we will negotiate the details.  Obviously should the 
deal take place, we shall be requiring a large influx of clerical staff to 
handle the exportation; recall that we are mostly scientists.  I myself as 
head of our facility shall take charge of such business dealings, but the day 
to day running will of course require numerous secretaries.  Sadly, our 
island does not possess young ladies of such competence, being largely a 
pleasure resort for the very wealthy.  Such local women as there are seem 
interested only in sunning themselves on the beaches and pursuing the 
steady turnover of wealthy bachelors; I fear even we here in the west are 
being contaminated by the Russian ideology.  However, it is my 
understanding that your state is at present currently experiencing 
something of a recession (the matters are perhaps not entirely unrelated, 
but I shall leave that to the politicians), and American young ladies are 
notoriously more competent at such clerical duties than our Caribbean 
breed.  If the deal (and the subsequent expansion of our facilities) goes 
through, we shall be requiring approximately twenty-five women of such 
competence, not exceeding the basic stenographic skills required in this 
computer age of business.  Such employees would, of course, be required to 
sever connection with their lives in the states, but their leisure hours 
would, I think, be comfortable enough, as noted above in this paragraph, 
and their salaries quite generous to compensate for the inconvenience of 
their relocations.
     Please contact our office as soon as possible for the negotiation of all 
these matters.

     Sincerely,
     Director of the DNActive Research Institute/Thinktank

P.S.  My condolences once again on your recent economically crushing 
series of sexual harassment lawsuits.  But I believe that the arrangement 
described above will solve both of our (economic) problems.