Everyone wants a taste of ultimate power, but how many people can use it and stay...subtle with it. Risa thinks that she can, and she's out to prove it. Of course, subtly's easier when you don't have someone behind you, pushing you along...
Average Scores:
- Overall: 4.70
- BE: 4.10
- Characters: 4.40
- Technical: 4.10
Boobmonkey
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 3
Am looking forward to the next bit. Early days for the above comments, but some extra formatting would be nice - not necessary, but nice.
Am very intrigued how you'll progress the 'subtle', lots of stories just change reality around the MPC, can this walk the line between?
Jason G
Overall= 4, BE= 2, Characters= 3, Technical= 4
I agree with others that the flashback or internal dialogue parts were a bit odd. They add to the story, no doubt, but maybe put them in italics or something to set them apart as not currently happening. Looking forward to the next installment!
infamy
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
CylinderLarge
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
Here's my simple endorsement.
I Can't Wait For More!
Code
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 2
Good start, the only complaint I have is that while reading it I seemed to be confused at times of when you were doing a flashback or when you were in the present. I thought that maybe somehow the text had gotten mixed up somehow. Maybe in the next entry you could indicate in some way that you are changing the time at which stuff is occurring.
Daichi Lu Azure
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
So far the story is intresting to say the least, but the cliff hanger at the end of hte chapter was well placed to entice the reader to come back for another helping
Leviathan
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
One of the best stories to appear here in a very long time. I look forward to future chapters.
I found the bus driver transformation a bit "over the top" considering the direction of the story (ie subtle changes).
Ali Lionheart
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
Well first off let me start by saying great job. I am a huge fan of the master pc universe. It is certainly a heart held favorite. I'm so happy to see someone taking a stab at it again. So far you have my complete intrest, my curiosity with what will happen has me giddy. I will be patiently waiting for the next chapter.
deus
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
It's a good start. I like your writing style. I think the divisions between the sections when you are jumping forward and backward in time could be more obvious. The first one or two times confused me before I realized what you were doing. Also, there are several instances of words missing or spelling or punctuation issues, which is why I took a point off on technical. More BE description, as well as a little more description of the characters would be appreciated as well. Thanks for writing!
Teri
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
A good entry into the Master PC realm. I very much like the scenario, especially the female protagonist. She has this excellent vibe of wanting to play with her surroundings and explore her capabilities, but a determination to not be malicious (the thoughts on free will were great). I'm rather tired with Master PC being simply a bimbo-generating machine. Thoughtful, assertive sexiness reads so much better. The creativity with the bus driver was a prime example.
Also, I like the limitations on the program and the shadowy adversary. Many Master PC stories simply explain away all problems and contingencies, sacrificing fun plots for endless sex. While they're not all bad, this promises a decidedly fresh direction.
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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