Ron Weasley invents a new beauty potion that turns Hermione into quite the hott little witch
Average Scores:
- Overall: 3.15
- BE: 2.15
- Characters: 3.15
- Technical: 3.38
Jason G
Overall= 5, BE= 2, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
Your buildup was great, and only in a harry potter story could you get away with lines like "I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico." I agree with immaterial's suggestions - staggered growth rather than just "bam bam bam done" would have made it fit in to a site like this much better. Some people say it was a very anticlimactic sex scene; on the contrary: I think it was an appropriate sex scene for the type of story you were writing (harry potter, all grown up). I am also an avid fan of the harry potter books, and your use of elements from those stories was done very nicely, without it being demeaning to the original. The definitions/conversions ($1 = 0.554 gbp) were unnecessary, but didn't really take anything away, either. Overall a great story, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Gaffenheimer
Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
One of the most charming and interesting BE stories, easily. Of course, it makes me feel as if I'm going straight to hell. Heh.
Like others said, not very much transformation, but very well written, and with a good plot.
immaterial
Overall= 4, BE= 2, Characters= 4, Technical= 5
Heart-warming=yes.
Good idea=yes.
I share the same complaints as most of the others. I realize it's probably hard to write a scene of that nature for two characters who have an inherent cutesy-ness. However, I found the descriptions to be good - not something like "LOL TITS AND PUSSY" you encounter in other stories.
Might I suggest staggering the growth? Hermione drinks the tea, changes slightly, flips out, then slowly wants more and more? Ron is happy to oblige, but first must brew some while distracted by new Hermione?
roby
Overall= 4, BE= 2, Characters= 5, Technical= 4
i liked it, but a story this size needs more transformations. aside from the quantitity issue i found this pretty good.
Very Free
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 5, Technical= 5
G-man makes some good points. It needs more, but I've seen worse posted here. I'm a HP fan so I was generous with the points.
g-man
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
I rather like the transformation, especially the BE, but it was one simple scene, with a very anti-climatic 'sex scene' I agree with some of the others. Well written, but deserves to be on a HP fan fic site since the transformation is not the primary theme. Don't give up because the transformation was very well done...just need more and more.
Anonymous
Overall= 3, BE= 2, Characters= 2, Technical= 3
Flat characterization that directly contradicts the actual series in a great number of ways. Actual transformation is rather lackluster.
MrHHH
Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 5
Fixed the file. It will unzip properly now.
Gave all threes because I don't like fan fiction.
scanzi720
Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1
Vengeance1701
Overall= 4, BE= 2, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
Yeah, Bill's suggestion worked.
It read more like a R/Hr shipper fantasy than a BE story. Placed in a HP fan site, it would work a charm.
aryanman
Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1
Bill Pratt
Overall= 2, BE= 2, Characters= 2, Technical= 3
Rename the extension to .doc and open it. Senor Sol doesn't seem to know what a zip file is.
Excellent grammar with only a few mixed up words, but the prose and dialogue are stilted. The transformation comes too late and is is over too quickly for an 18 page story.
Ninja In The Night
Overall= 1, BE= 1, Characters= 1, Technical= 1
The Archive is broken, no story can be read.
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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