The Definitive BE Story Archive

The Overflowing Bra

Gaffenheimer
Mammalaria
Two women visit a secluded Swahili village and notice that the native females have unusually large breasts.  When they themselves start to change, they set out to find the cause.
Average Scores:

SurferDude
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 4, Technical= 5

I noticed the date on this, and it's a shame we haven't seen a second chapter. Gaffenheimer, please come out of retirement so we're no longer in suspense! :)

Gojira
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 5

I enjoy the native touch. Looking forward to the next chapter!

CatchMan
Overall= 4, BE= 5, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

Very well written story. I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the next chapter!

aki
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 5

Can't wait for the sequel

Very Free
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

Good so far. Like the others said, when are you going to add an exciting conclusion?

bob
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

Rather good - waiting for next installment

CaptainFixit (madmaximum)
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 4, Technical= 5

A fantastic piece. It's an incredibly good story, describing perfectly the innocent start, the unforseen changes happening in the girls, and an incredible example of what they'll probably become. And, I say this with an extensive amount of reading both off and on the 'Net, you show an excellent ability for writing. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Tarquin
Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

Keep it up! Very good, and well-written. I hope there's more detailed BE, but the realistic slow pace is terrific. Can't wait for the next part, hope this goes on for quite a while.

TheFwank
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

Basically you should listen to everything Leviathan said. Good potential, and with a little refinement this could be GREAT.

Time2
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

This has the potential for being a great BE story. Great description, fantastic detail, great setup. I am anxiously waiting part two and I hope that you do not stop
That said I wish to make a few observations, Since this is a fertility story you might want to add some other changes to the women as well. There are other secondary sexual characteristics that could be gradually changing too. Softer more attractuve faces. thicker longer hair, loss of muscles or perhaps height would all be ideas that you could add.
An element of mind control would also be effective. As the women change, their desire to have children could also increase. The valley girl seems like a very poor mother, but by the time the change finishes could be entirely focused on having kids
You might also add an element of age regression. Since this is a fertility effect, turning the older woman into a large breasted teen who could have more children might be an addition plus

MrHHH
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 5

Too bad you didn't finish this, it would have made a great story contest entry.

GenericName
Overall= 3, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 4

Not enough BE (yet), and when there is it's only at the end of the part.

There are a few minor mistakes throughout the entire story, as well, in regards to grammar and such.

An interesting start, but it needs more.

lalilu
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

the entire story was very vivid, you rcould see what was going on. Very nice job

Drooster
Overall= 4, BE= 5, Characters= 3, Technical= 5

Excellent writing. Do not ever stop.

Leviathan
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 4

I think this is a really great start for what could be a great BE story. The one weakness I see is the female characters. They realy do not have any personality, especially Mona. You need to make their characters and their roles more integral to the story, so that we would be more interested in their transformation and struggle through their changes. As it stands now, there is very little confrontation or "fight" between the two girls and what's going on, and that's a very bad thing. In the end I feel it will make their eventual changes much less interesting or meaningful.

However, having said that, the idea for the story, the setting, the descriptions, the device for transformation are all top notch. And on the whole this is one of the best stories I've read here at TOB in a long time. Even if it's unfinished I see a LOT of potential for wild and crazy changes and situations to develop.

However you really... REALLY need to develop more drive and confrontation between the characters. They need to have more purpose and more action. Characters who brood and sit around and have inner dialogues are not as fun to read about as characters who talk and take action and move around with more purpose.

I think Sarah especially seems to be giving up too quickly on what's happening to her. Her "failure" on the hunt happened way too early in the story to be as effective as it should be. I shouldn't be so critical - this is an awesome beginning for a story - but I feel it could be really great with the right tweaking.

I also foresee that without more confrontation and action, the story will begin to write itself into a corner as the girls change more dramatically.

Stainless Steel Rat
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 4

You've definitely got my interest. Please keep on writing.

Johan
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 5, Technical= 5

Great job, can't wait for more.

Kowalski
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 3

I liked it a lot. Reminds me of some older stories I've read.
I do agree with the others, the slow growth is fantastic.. but in subsequent parts more needs to happen. This reads like a prelude to a story that hasn't even begun yet.

I like how the two women have been brought together as they cope with their shock and concern over what's happening at this point - but eventually that should give way to some extreme divergence in how they embrace, deal with, enjoy, use, etc. their new endowments and feelings.

I'd like it if one of them grew into her assets, retaining her western white woman ways (perhaps Mona) while the other one went more "native" and fell far away from her cultural predispositions, perhaps culminating in either pregnancy or just her becoming a milk maiden for the tribe. Maybe she falls in love with a tribesman whose wife has died and she has to mother a brood of hungry baby girls, while Mona gets to go off with the two guys from the film crew, fucking both of them, making them fight over her, etc.

Good luck and godspeed!!!! Can't wait to read more.

Yosemite
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

A little windy, but the best start I've seen on these pages in some time. I'd like to see the main characters come to enjoy their new developments more, perhaps find them more sensitive and pleasurable in coming chapters. Can't wait to see what happens!

Justafan
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 5

Just wanted to say that I loved part one and I realy hope there's a part 2 soon. Very descriptive story with good slow BE please keep it up!

bier
Overall= 4, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 3

More should happen in part 2. but a overall nice idea for a be story

someotherguy
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 4

Great story! I love the detail of the setting, and the subtle physical descriptions.

Quadhouse
Overall= 5, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

Reminds me of Bit by the Bug

grendel
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

Great stuff! Loved the AG especially.

brit
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 4

not bad

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