Alright here is a second revision. I have combined part one with the yet unseen part two. Let me know what you think. Thanks to everyone who commented on the first two releases, your constructive feedback is greatly apreciated.
Average Scores:
- Overall: 3.58
- BE: 3.33
- Characters: 3.42
- Technical: 3.50
coder4freecode
Overall= 1, BE= 3, Characters= 2, Technical= 3
Glorification of anorexia and drug abuse quickly turned me off on this story.
Argusceo
Overall= 4, BE= 2, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
Keeps getting better with each revision.
The addition of the second part definitely helped, it seemed a little unfinshed (even for an installment) before.
The dialog (and internal monologues) seem a little rushed, not natural. And I personally would love more detailed descriptions of the changes (less suprise by the girls, more awareness of the changes as they happen). But that is just my preference.
Good work overall. I'm curious to see where this goes.
Daunte
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
The second half was much better all around, you've definitely taken the time to consider all the feedback and work it into your writing style. Your use of converstaion in the second half was a bit strained towards the end unfortunately, due the clipped 5 word-or-less sentences the girls were speaking in. From about when Jackie was talking to Emily in the washroom it tended to break the flow of your story. Now grammatically your dialogue was fine, if not perfect, it was just...hurried. Reading the last couple of pages again, I'd actually say it's probably due to your haste in finishing this section of the story. A good effort regardless, just needs polish.
DarkHeart
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
Have to agree with Daunte, this revision shows an dramatic improvement for the better. My suggestion for the dialogue is to maybe read it outloud to yourself to help make it flow more naturally. Keep up the good work and now I would definitely like to see how this ends.
Mike Ditka
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
Ditka think this is much better. Sees much improvement in writing. Anyone who say Ditka wrong is pussy viking fan.
bateman
Overall= 3, BE= 4, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
It gets better every time. I prefer more drama than just getting caught in the bathroom. Body transformation could lend itself to a lot more tension, which in my opinion would make the piece more engaging. Keep it up. The imagination factor is very good.
elvis_interuptus
Overall= 3, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 3
Two more rewrites and a polish is my guess. Go for it.
Marauder
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
I am very impressed with how well you take comments/feedback into consideration and make improvements in your writing accordingly. Keep doing that and you'll be a well read author I'm sure! Great revision, I can't wait to see what's next...
Hell-scythe
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 4
Great job. You really done a lot to improve your work. Keep writing.
Hivemind
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 4
Better then the other two by a mile. I agree with Daunte, the girl's vocabulary needs work.
Benji Dude
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
Not bad if a little to ridiculas, a teacher standing by while a student masturbates? Not very likely really but overall the story works, looking forward to the next part.
forme2c
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 3
I've enjoyed it so far. Looking forward to the next installment.
Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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