How many people are willing to bet the writer's name is Joel? This is terrible.
First, your story telling style is more than a bit grating, those of us who are reading these stories are capable of reading higher than a 2nd grade reading level, the style is extremely condescending and an insult to your readers. Second, a story is more than just a fuck fest, yeah, sex is to be expected, but even then what you had wasn't that entertaining. Third, You need to give a reason as to why he developed the powers he did, and also involve some sort of challenge.
Finally, give names and actual descriptions to your chars, not just height and bust measurements.
Your grammar and spelling were decent at least.
Not bad at all.
This thing is gawdawful. There is -no- story.
The first thing that struck me was that the author of this story was trying to write like Ernest Hemingway, which s/he did not do well at all.
In addition to that failed emulation, the document that's titled "Feeling Lucky" appears to be a story fragment. There is no character development, nor are there mechanisms of any type of plot that would hold readers to the storytelling.
Finally, there is a paragraph size issue. When your paragraphs span in an excess of a whole page, you need to break them up.
I hope this is a workshop style of a release from the author. If I'm right, I strongly suggest picking up a copy of "Poetics" by Aristotle. It plainly describes elements of writing that allows stories unlike "Feeling Lucky" to succeed. Sorry, but that's the sad truth.
Well, the plot sucked because there wasn't one and the BE definitely wasn't as large as the main page said it was. I was very disappointed.
I'm not sure what to say about this one. On one hand it needs a lot of work with story line and character development but on the other hand I actually enjoyed it to an extent. Like someone else said, sort out the paragraphs, the last one lasts about two pages and maybe sort out the pace of the story as well I felt that it went by far too quickly. I'd be interested to see more by this author just to see how much they can improve.
For god's sake, break up the story into paragraphs!