erk...still rushed, still a bit flat when it comes to the characters. Try taking a little more time to describe everyone and everything. It had potential to start with, then it sort of collapsed in on itself because you seemed in such a hurry to get to the BE. If this was just an introduction, leading on to a bigger story, it might do...just.
Needs more detail!
Waaay too short. Unless this is supposed to be a short story. Then it's ok.
part 2 please!!!
Part 2 please, it'll help this story
Deffinatly needs a sequal and like someone else said it finishes far too quickly. It's a good start though.
As usual, the technical component is good, the rest is just bleh.
man you have a lot of possabilities you could exlpore keep it going
This story suffered from many things. First, the grammar and spelling needs to be refined, but that did not detract from the story very much. Second, the descriptions of characters and events needs more attention. Third, there was no conflict--this really made the story suffer most of all; adding this element might make the story worthwhile, otherwise it looks like a fragment.
The story was just too short. There are a ton of possiblities for a story like this, and we demand they be explored in erotic detial. ;)
More detail needed.